Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I hoped
by PhoenixAS Comics
Summary: A violent humour fic with plenty of character death. Read as Kain, Raziel, Vorador, Malek and Mortanius rape history in this random and fast paced fic. [COMPLETE]
1. In the beggining, there was a hangover

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic, except the jokes. Most of them. Some of them. Shit.  
  
I'm writhing this for laughs, laughs and nothing more. Maybe reviews. Don't expect actual events. I'll love reviews. If you people want a say in what I do next, I'll try to put it in. But please, don't even piss me of with shit like 'Can you have Kain marry Umah?' Oh that reminds me, death to Umah's corpse.  
  
-Sephiroth0201, proud owner of CAP wear. Canadian and Proud.  
  
The Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I expected...  
  
From the shards of tattered dreams did Kain rise, in an unfamiliar bed, with the God of hangovers. He sat up, in all his demigod glory, and took a look around with horribly blurred vision. Red and gold tapestry, busts of women with large busts, and ancient vases decorated his sleeping quarters. There was only one place he could be– disco hell.  
  
"Oh my unholy dark gods!" he blurted, then thought if he had just exclaimed himself to the world. He shrugged it off, his headache not improving with sudden thoughts. A voice behind him startled the war battered vampire. He spun to face the source. Umah?  
  
"I see you are restored, now gimme some sugar!" She grabbed him by the wrists and threw him on the bed, not that Kain resisted. Of course the hangover eliminated the chance of using his telekinesis, and he was too dizzy to fight. Granted, the fact that she was undoing his pants kinda made him want to lay back. He did, and grinned. He twisted around and pulled a pillow over to him, and placed it under his head.  
  
"I'm going to make you feel real good," she said. Strangely enough, she didn't sound like herself. More, old. Kain leaned up, suspicious. What he saw reinforced his previous belief.   
  
He was in hell.  
  
Leaning over him was none other than the Time Streamer Moebius himself. He grinned sweetly. "Hello Kainey-poo!"  
  
Kain's reaction was instantaneous. "AAAAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
  
****  
  
The ancient vampire lord sprang up from under the bed sheets, in the same location, save for one, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL thing. No Moebius.   
  
He checked the area one more time, and fell back, insanely relieved, and sighed. "Thank you, me. Thank you for only making it a dream... Now gimme back the Umah dream!" he demanded himself. Nothing. Clearly annoyed, he through the sheet off the bed and swung his legs off the bed. He rose to unsteady feet and cracked his neck.  
  
Suddenly, the doors flew open, and an emerald skinned vampire tore through empty space. It was the vampire Vorador, number two in the Legacy of Kain series in my opinion.  
  
"Are you alright?! I heard you scream like you were being molested by Moebius!" he cried out, rattled. Kain let his nerves calm, then felt rage boil.  
  
His eyes glowed with golden fury, and he began to rant. "You scared the unliving crap out me! And it wasn't homoerotic, it was a nightmare! And if Moebius was molesting me, YOU COULD HAVE TELEPORTED AND SPARED ME THE MILD HEART ATTACK!!!" There was silence. Only silence, and not just in the mansion, noo... The entire Termagant Forest was deathly quiet, birds stopped chirping, cricket died of major cardiac failure and half of the Sarafan in the area ran like pansies.  
  
The shorter vampire had leaned back during the ordeal, and had widened his eyes. He let the silence hang for a few seconds, before he spoke. "My.. Bad?" he attempted. It was a very vain attempt.  
  
"Your bad? YOUR– hold the phone, I'm at YOUR place?!" he demanded. It all came together, the familiar tapestry, the out of fashion vases, the severe lack of 28 inch televisions... His composure returned, and a question formed in his mind.  
  
"How the hell am I here?" Kain inquired.  
  
Vorador's bald eyebrow quirked. "You don't remember? Damn, how much did you have to drink?"  
  
Kain scratched the back of his head nervously, and chuckled. "Enough to make Malek look like the Sarafan Lord?"  
  
Vorador whistled to that, impressed. Impressed that he didn't die of alcohol poisoning. "You were so happy about having the Reaver back, you invited everybody, even the Elder God."  
  
An ethereal voice became present. " I am everywhere."  
  
Kain didn't like the sound of that. "Then stay the shit out of my pants!" he bellowed.  
  
The Elder made a sound similar to car braking a 140km/h. "Like there's anything in there!"  
  
Vorador had to suppress a chuckle, and Kain was none to pleased. "Like you'd– wait, what did you just say?"  
  
Vorador thought for a moment. "Even the Elder God?"  
  
"Before that." Kain stated.  
  
"Moebius?" He tried.  
  
"After that." The almighty, mind you none too attractive ancient demigod said.  
  
"Got the Reaver back?" He asked after another moment of thought.  
  
Kain was as giddy as Zephon with a lifetime supply of Mountain Dew. He had the Soul Reaver, which explained the uncomfortable position he had slept in. His hand found the hilt of the blade, and he slowly drew it form it's scabbard. He brandished it before him, and cried tears of liquid agony, burning all the way down his cheeks.  
  
"The presence of the Reaver in my hands makes up the blinding agony in my face, oh give me a kiss!" He passionately kissed the blade's built-in skull, disturbing even as perverted as Vorador.  
  
"Get a room!" the green vampire insisted. Kain broke away form the kiss, and glared at Vorador.  
  
"I have a room, now get the shit out of it." he barked. Vorador wasn't about to leave, however.  
  
"Come with me to the living room, we have Canadian beer, and 36" televisions giving the best of Playvamp 24/7." He offered. Kain's eyes twinkled, and he dashed out of the room and ran full speed down the hallway. Vorador sighed and checked his watch. As he expected, Kain came running back.  
  
"Third hallway on the left, sixth door on the right." Said the master of Termagant Forest.  
  
"Thank you!" said the clearly overexcited Kain, and he flew through the hallways once again.  
  
****  
  
A man wearing only pants, his purple chain mail and archaic rune-inscribed breastplate occupying the seat next to him, popped open a bottle of Molsen Canadian and took a swig. He ran a hand through his close cropped brown hair. Think Temuera Morrison (Jango Fett).   
  
He clicked up a few channels and found the news. It seemed with the disappearance of the Paladin Malek, a group of vampires invaded the Sarafan Stronghold and killed the remaining Sarafan army. "Never liked them anyway." Malek said with his New-Zealand accent.   
  
The doors threw themselves open and one of the vampires that devastated his order the day before entered hastily. He skidded to a stop upon seeing Malek. They exchanged glances, and Malek tossed him a beer. "Take a seat." he invited.  
  
Kain was glad to do so, and dropped down into the recliner next to Malek's couch. "You know," Malek began, pausing to give time for Kain to tune in, "That was one hell of a party last night. Hooked up with a keeper, and got black out drunk in fifteen minutes. I haven't had so much fun since I did support acting in one of Ariel's adult films."  
  
The wielder of the Soul Reaver turned to him, very interested. "Ariel's done adult films?" He asked, grinning ear to ear. When he got home, she was going to have to watch one of those with Kain.  
  
The Paladin rose from the couch and stretched. "Allow me." He walked over to the DVD Player and slipped a disc in. Before he could turn it on, Vorador addressed them.  
  
"We'll have time to watch those later, now we need to deal with the Hylden problem." He said. Kain and Malek both groaned, who, having been hoping to watch the film, were forced into the affairs of war.  
  
"Why the hell do I even listen to you?" Kain asked.  
  
Vorador was swift to respond. "Because I can lend you a couple of my movies afterwards."  
  
Kain grinned ear to ear. "Life is good."  
  
***  
  
Raziel was bound at the ankles and wrists to a revolving chair, waiting for the discussion between Moebius and Mortanius on how they would interrogate Raziel for information regarding Kain and the war with the Hylden.  
  
The door creaked open and the two old men entered the room. He looked from one to the next, and spoke. "Do your worst, you'll get nothing from me."  
  
Mortanius grinned evilly, and Raziel couldn't help but shudder. "On the contrary, creature. We have a very efficient method of persuasion. Moe?" The Death Guardian asked.  
  
Moebius stepped forward. "Yes?" he asked.  
  
"Deal with him." With that, Mortanius left.  
  
"I hope my hips are gonna last." The Time Streamer said.  
  
Raiziel mind swam. What did he mean, his hips? "Oh dear sweet Kain! You can't mean–" he gasped.  
  
Moebius grinned, and Raziel could do nothing more than one thing. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
2003 Meechan Studios Copyright 


	2. Caught between Heaven and Hell, I can't ...

Disclaimer: I own Malek's accent, and all of the jokes so far except the poor Kain under Moe one. Long live whoever the  
  
hell Amy Hennig is!  
  
ORPHEUMZERO: Yes I will. Review again or face pain.  
  
Dark-Sephy: Nice to see new blood. I think we all know what he's going to do.  
  
Concept of a DEMON: Human Ariel, when she still had 'the' ass!  
  
Trysten: No prob, and agreed!  
  
Hope to see more! Please r&r!  
  
If you have any problems with my story or just don't like me, you know where to go. No, that was not a threat. Oh, and on a  
  
huge note, Meechan Studios has joined forces with another. We are now... (dramatically) Derasp-Meechan Studios.  
  
[insert applause here]  
  
Now if you don't mind, we present...  
  
A Derasp-Meechan Studios presentation...  
  
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I hoped...   
  
  
  
Chapter 1: Caught between Heaven and Hell. I can't remember the name of my damn planet  
  
  
  
Raziel's cry of terror shook the entire Stronghold. Birds took off in fright, and the ice outside shattered. The old Time  
  
Streamer approached him slowly, the same grin spread out on his wrinkled, ass ugly features. Raziel looked left and right,  
  
hoping beyond hope to find an escape. He found nothing.  
  
"Oh don't worry, I'm not as fast as I was in my younger years." The evil, evil Moebius said. Raziel felt his entire stomach  
  
turn. Funny, as he no longer had one. In an act of desperation he struggled with all his notable might.  
  
"I'd rather be gang raped by my brothers than be caught here by you! I will see you in hell!" He exclaimed, before shifting  
  
into the spectral realm. The shackles that held him were incapable of preventing him from escaping in this realm, as  
  
Melchiah's gift allowed him to easily phase through. He did so.  
  
Now unbound, the Soul Reaver made a decision. He was getting where his blue ass once was out of that unholy place, and  
  
into safe grounds. He ran to the door, pausing only momentarily to phase through it. He felt every iron bar pass through him  
  
as if it wasn't there, and entered the main chamber, with an open roof. He stalked over to the center of the room and stood  
  
over the conduit to the physical realm. He steadied himself, and activated the Shift Glyph. To but it simply... shit happened.  
  
"You have got to be shitting me!" the blue man (well he was a man, does the phrase I got my balls burned off in the abyss  
  
come to play here?) cried out in despair. He tried again and again, to no effect. Realizing his terrible fate, he slumped down  
  
to his knees. He knew what had happened, and who had seen it done.  
  
A detached voice spoke to him. "You see the fate of those who defy me?" it asked. Raziel's anger rose to the point of  
  
shattering his composure, his hatred for the God to whom the Sarafan served overwhelming him... until his despair  
  
overwhelmed that, and he let his head hang limp.  
  
"You cannot merely sit there for all eternity, can you? Oh, how boring life shall become for me if-"  
  
"Shut the hell up you goddamn squid!" Raziel snapped, then leapt up to his feet. "Isn't Moebius expecting you by six? I  
  
really wouldn't waste my time were I in your stead!"  
  
The Elder God was amused. "And what would you do?" he taunted.  
  
"I would burn myself to an ash and hope he didn't rape my corpse! Damn do I hate that bald old geezer! Faithful servant  
  
my ass, he's your bitch!" Raziel exploded.  
  
"I find two things wrong with what you said." Raziel quirked a destroyed eyebrow, and listened. "First, it would be  
  
impossible for Moebius to be my bitch, and you have no ass." It (most likely a he) finished.  
  
"Then kiss where it used to be!" Raz retorted.  
  
"I have a better idea; why don't you jump into the abyss in a desperate attempt to find you balls, you transsexual freak!"  
  
Raziel vibrated with anger after that offense. "Who the hell are you calling a transsexual freak?! At least I wasn't born of  
  
the neutral gender you suction cup covered asswipe!!" He screamed. A silence hung between the two for an instant. Then  
  
another. Then Raz was forced back into the physical realm. This, may I add, confused him.  
  
"At least I'm not a sore loser." the ancient squid like God's voice muttered. Raz would have grinned, if he could have.  
  
"I can't say the same about me and winning. Some things Kain passed on!! I won and you lost, I'm gonna go kill Hylden!"  
  
Raziel mocked in a singsong voice, skipping around and just plain enjoying life. The Elder was too surprised to make a  
  
comeback, even though he was supposedly all powerful.  
  
Raz happily continued his dance out the door, and into the long, cold winter night ahead.  
  
***  
  
Three men stared deep into each others faces, pausing momentarily from their vicious battled. The three war scarred men  
  
of power, Kain, Vorador and Malek, prepared themselves for what was to come... with each breath they drew in they feared  
  
it to their last, and exhaled it in a white mist. The air of competition hung... and they awaited the latest move...  
  
Kain slammed his hand down onto the circular table and presented his victory. "Read them and weep, suckers!" he  
  
exclaimed.  
  
  
  
"All four aces?! What the hell?!" Malek demanded, his jaw hung as low as Vorador's. The poker match was going in  
  
Kain's favor, and quickly. All three rounds went to him so far, and Vorador was wearing no more than red and white  
  
boxers. Malek could feel himself sweat under his armor, and prayed to anyone, including Kain himself, that Vorardor's  
  
boxers weren't going anywhere.  
  
Kain turned and faced Malek. "Lose the helmet, tin man." he ordered. The light brown skinned man didn't bother to  
  
protest, too relieved to care. At least that wanker ain't showing his stuff off, he thought himself as he placed his helmet on  
  
the table. Kain grabbed it by the braided plume of vampire hair and threw it on the pile of won clothing behind him.  
  
Vorador's eyes shifted between Malek and Kain, ever suspicious that they could be cheating. He hadn't noticed the breeze  
  
that plagued his domain before... well except for that one time he got drunk and ran around bare ass, then pranked the shit  
  
out of the Sarafan Stronghold the previous new years. Mortanius still had panic attacks. One thing stood above all else in  
  
the ancient vampire lord's mind. What the hell was Kain going to do with all his clothing?  
  
Kain mentally cackled, and grinned inwardly. A couple more rounds like this and he was going to have two new Halloween  
  
costumes. A voice shook the corridors of the ancient mansion, derailing Kain's train of thought.  
  
***  
  
"Hello? Anyone home? Vorador? KAIN?!" Raziel screamed as he marched down the halls. He opened the door to his  
  
immediate left, and saw the most evil scene he could ever imagine. Malek, his father and Vorador were sitting around a  
  
circular table, Kain having to turn around to see him. For one reason Raz couldn't even imagine, Vorador was wearing the  
  
most disturbing pair of boxers since Dumah painted his crotch and said that he was wearing boxers. Unfortunately for all of  
  
Nosgoth, crayola markers fade. Fast.  
  
Wordlessly, the blue avenger stepped back and closed the door. He was going to need therapy, and soon. That was about as  
  
bad as the time Kain and Ariel were having phone sex in the same room. No, Raziel decided, that was much worse than  
  
what he had just seen.   
  
***  
  
The Death Guardian rolled across the floor, before curling up into a ball and whimpering. Moebius could do no more than  
  
shake his head in disgust, and one of the three surviving Sarafan looked over his shoulder to get a view of the disturbing  
  
scene.  
  
"Lord Moebius?" the warrior-priest timidly asked.  
  
  
  
"He's having another panic attack. Seeing Vorador's bare green ass knocked a few screws loose in his head."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
***  
  
The two vampire, the Soul Reaver and the newly fired Paladin sat in the living room. After explaining the situation to Raz,  
  
they decided to knock back a few and relax, before continuing the secret plan, approved in seven cities of Nosgoth, to  
  
assassinate all remaining Hylden. Somehow (I wonder how?) the Hylden caught wind of this super secret, publically  
  
approved plan. Raz was mildly miffed. He couldn't drink if he tried.  
  
"Sure you don't want one?" Malek tried. Raziel slowly turned his head towards Malek and glared at him menacingly. After  
  
a few seconds of that, he made his decision verbal.   
  
"I'll pass."  
  
"Suit yourself." The bottle was popped open, and a good deal of it's contents downed by the one human in the area. After  
  
porn, beer, taking leeks and porn, the guys got cabin fever.  
  
Kain broke the seven hour straight silence with a statement. "I wanna kill something."  
  
"Me too." Malek threw in.  
  
"It's better than seeing the human me bang Ariel." Raz said.  
  
"I'll hold down the fort. You guys go have fun." Said Vorador.  
  
***  
  
The Sarafan Stronghold appeared quite desolate in the moonlight, with only five inhabitants. Well, five welcome  
  
inhabitants. Raziel stalked the corridors, looking for any unlucky bastard to cross his path. One did so. One of the  
  
remaining three Sarafan priests attempted to sneak out and have a smoke break. Unfortunately for him, and to our blue  
  
hero's delight, he made a bad turn.  
  
"Hello."  
  
The was surprised to see him, to say the least. Well, type the least. Aren't I a lazy sob? "Yeah... hi..." He slowly reached  
  
down for his sword, hoping to catch Raz off guard.  
  
Raz had other plans.  
  
"OMFG! Ariel's stripping!"  
  
The poor man actually fell for it. He swung around to see the spectacle, and felt an odd pain in his chest. He looked down  
  
and saw three claws piercing him. "That, I somehow find, doesn't look good."  
  
"Well, were you expecting me to hand you a condom?"  
  
"Well actually- I mean, no."  
  
"Shouldn't you be dead by now?"  
  
"Will Graham took worse in Red Dragon."  
  
"The book, or the movie? The Author's been through both."  
  
"He's only fifteen! Sick little monkey!  
  
"  
  
Growing tired of the conversation, Raz took his hand out and snapped the man's head around 180 degrees. The head now  
  
faced him.  
  
"I see you!." It exclaimed.  
  
Raz did not react well. "AAAAIIEEEEEEE!!"  
  
In the distance sirens went off, and Moebius told everybody to shut the hell up.  
  
***  
  
Malek, stripped of armor, prowled behind the Celebrity Inn. Bastards didn't think he was famous enough, just a dumb  
  
figurehead to enter. He was going to enjoy this.  
  
And that's the bottom line, cuz I'm the goddamn Author.  
  
He leaned his back against the wall, and peeked around the corner. He saw shit. Literally. The cheap owner only gave them  
  
an outhouse. Well, that was pretty good for the times. He was starting to have regrets about sneaking in the basement. And  
  
then it hit him. He could teleport. Then something else hit him. The smell.   
  
"Dear, sweet Kain does that ever smell like Moebius' room! I'm outta here!"  
  
Purple light bathed the dark room, and left no trace of the man with the Iron Pike. Yes, that was a weak Bond pun.  
  
And he returned in another flash of purple, inside Brittany Spears II bedroom. His jaw dropped and his eyes sparkled. There  
  
was no doubt in his mind, he was in heaven. His next thought was insidious. Panty raid. He dashed over to the nearest  
  
closet and threw it open. A thousand bra's and thongs flew down to greet him in slow motion. The door opened and the  
  
owner of said articles of clothing walked in.  
  
She saw hi there, his head and shoulders still covered with her undergarments.   
  
"I didn't do it." He said flatly.   
  
"Security!!"  
  
"Oh shit!"  
  
A dozen three and a half foot tall men ran into the room, wearing similar merchandise. She hired avid fan-midgets as  
  
bodyguards. He said the only thing that came to mind.  
  
"What the f**k?"  
  
"Sick 'em!" She yelled.  
  
All twelve leapt at him, and he cut three out of mid air with a mighty slash. The other nine tackled him to the ground and  
  
clung onto his arms and legs.   
  
"You'll never take me alive!" he cried.  
  
As one, they began to tickle him in all his sensitive areas. He struggled and shouted, and begged for mercy, and still they  
  
tortured him. His laughing face became serious for a moment and he disappeared in a purple flash.  
  
They swung around immediately and the three on the far left fell in a different direction then their bodies. The last three  
  
ran at him, head down. He cut two of them down, but one of them reached him. Without slowing might I add. Malek  
  
staggered back, and dropped onto his knees, caressing his nearly popped crotch.  
  
"You monster!" He spat in an unusually high voice. The little bastard made a second run at him, and Malek brought his  
  
Pike up in defense. The poor cretin impaled himself on the spear, and was flicked off it towards Brittany. They connected,  
  
and went though the window together, and landed in a garbage bin, causing it to slam shut. Then, for no reason at all, it  
  
exploded in a bloody mess.  
  
"Thanks." Malek muttered.  
  
Not a problem, I assure you.  
  
***  
  
Kain charged screaming into the Hylden city, Soul Reaver drawn. The Hylden didn't see it coming, and fell by the digit.  
  
Two of them, one with a monocle, sat in comfortable chairs sipping tea, and watching the massacre.  
  
"I must say, that vampire is in quite a rush."  
  
"Indubitably!"   
  
"What say you that we fight?" he turned to his friend, and saw him cleaved in two, with Kain standing over him.  
  
"Vae Victus!"  
  
"You know, it's pronounced Vigh Victus."  
  
"Vigh Victus this!" He said, before lopping off the Hylden's head. He proceeded to charge towards the front gate, and tore  
  
the massive door off it's hinges. A dozen warriors, with massive bone claws awaited him on the other side, standing side by  
  
side. As one, they charged.  
  
Kain fell to the defensive, and used his unsurpassed telekinesis to throw the first one into a torch on the wall, its sharp  
  
protruding stand caught the warrior through a sensitive spot. His last words were 'My testies!'  
  
The second one was sent into the third, who went over the edge of the small walkway. Kain brandished the Reaver before  
  
him, and waited for them. In a heartbeat the fourth reached him and was swatted away. The fifth and sixth fell to similar  
  
fates, save the sixth managed to stay on solid ground, certain parts of his body that should never leave his body laying nest  
  
to him. Think the starting of Saving Private Ryan.  
  
The next one came leaping, and Kain caught him in midair, then slashed away the one following him. He shattered the spin  
  
then discarded the dead body before turning to face the last three, standing shoulder to shoulder. He took advantage of their  
  
stances and punched air, sending a telekinetic bursts into the middle one. He crouched and dove forward, cleaving the one  
  
on the left in half with a great arc, then deflected a blow from the last.  
  
He reached out and caught him by the neck. With great ease he lifted him off his feet, and greeted his neck with unhuman  
  
fangs. The Hylden's eyes went wide and, slowly, his body became limp. Now finished feeding, Kain discarded the corpse  
  
over the edge and cracked his neck.  
  
"They taste like Zephon's whiskey. Moutain Dew with liquor."  
  
***  
  
Kain sat down in Vorador's couch and clicked on the news. It seemed that the remaining three Sarafan died, Mortanius had  
  
a heart attack, Brittany Spears, Marilyn Manson, Steven Seagull and Nicholas Cage were murdered in their suites. Then, in  
  
an act of racism, someone nearly eradicated the poor Hylden minority.  
  
"All in all I say it was a good day."  
  
'Agreed." A deep voice rumbled from behind him.  
  
"Vorador. Since you're up could you get me a beer?"  
  
"They're balanced on your crotch."  
  
"Then remind me to go buy a new case." Malek said while entering the room, his white undershirt now a red undershirt  
  
with an orange stain.  
  
"I don't mind, drinking is physically impossible for me." The blue avenger said. At least I assume he says it, he doesn't  
  
have the necessary organs to speak.  
  
Vorador made his way in front of the television. "So your all home. Good, I have an important mission for you."   
  
Raziel was the only one who was interested. "Oh?"  
  
The master of Termagant Forest nodded. "That demonic bastard Hash'ak'gik stole all my harem!"  
  
Kain and Malek's response were the same and immediate.  
  
"NOOO!!!"  
  
Raziel's eyes rolled. Well, he thinks they did. In actuality they were the size of raisins at th very bottom of the abyss. "Here  
  
we go again."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!  
  
All right, one more down. Please read, review and for God's sake criticize! 


	3. Avenging comedy and Saving skanks

Disclaimer: I don't own Kain, I don't own Malek, I don't own Raz and I sure as hell don't want to own Vorador's boxers!  
  
Author's Note: You know, an asshole gave this story and MortalSora's Soul Reaver 3 storie bad reviews. I shall have him murdered in this chapter. Oh, if you're reading %, you won't yield without battle. (Snickers)  
  
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I hoped...  
  
Chapter 3: Avenging Comedy and Saving Skanks  
  
Termogent Forest shook. Kain and Malek's voices breached space and time itself, and scared the crap out of the Sarafan Lord/Hylden General. He leapt up from his comfortable sitting rock in the Demon Dimension. "What the hell was that?" he demanded.  
  
"Oh, you'll see... you'll see!" muttered the deranged Seer.  
  
***  
  
"What-what-what?!" Kain demanded in sheer shock. Malek was paralysed from the forehead down in fear, like when you walk in on your parents doing it. Errg, it... Raz however, seemed to be the least affected, simply because he couldn't take advantage of them. He still thought he was the prettiest guy in all of Nosgoth, though.  
  
"I said that; that demonic puppeteer Hash'ak'gik stole every one of my women. All I have left, is Greta." Vorador rumbled.  
  
At the mention of... Greta... errg... all three guests shuddered, badly. Raziel so badly he snapped his spine, literally breaking himself in half, and disintegrated before hitting the floor. The Sluagh were getting bored anyway. A moment later, he reappeared in the centre of the room, curled up in a ball.  
  
A voice rang from down the corridor. It's English was broken and it sounded like Malek's BO voice. "Did I... hear... name?" it asked.  
  
All four panicked and cried out it terror. "NOOOOOO!!!" A grunt was heard from the general direction, and hard footsteps going away from the men. All three of them that could, sighed. Raz just whimpered. Malek dropped onto the couch.  
  
"Where the hell did you pick her up?" he asked.  
  
"In Nisgoth, what was once known as EuroGermany. She had a strange... evolutionary path, going from Asia Carrera, to the spawn of Satan!"  
  
Kain, who was not listening, turned to Vorador. "Yes?"  
  
Said green Vampire gave Kain an evil eye, and walked over to the television, turned it off, and pulled out a large map. "I have pinpointed his location to– here!" He said with his index claw on Avernus Cathedral. "It is defended by powerful demon, and rifts in space and time. If one were to be caught in one of these, only God knows where they would exit."  
  
That caught Raz's attention. "I think I've figured out where that % bastard came from."  
  
"Percentage? What sort of name is that?" Vorador asked.  
  
"I doubt it's his actual name. The coward seems not to want his foes to know him. He gave this story a terrible review, and simply put down MortalSora."  
  
"The man who wrote It Started with a Trial?! Impossible!"  
  
Kain didn't get one thing. "He had your head severed and still you like it?"  
  
"One must keep his friends close Kain, and his enemies... even closer. Remember that."  
  
Raz, along with Kain were doing their best not to laugh out loud. "Sure... I will..." Kain answered. Vorador didn't get the joke, and looked to Malek for the answer. Malek shrugged, and made the 'drinky-drinky' look. It wasn't the proper answer, but it was good enough for the decadent vampire.  
  
***  
  
In the Great Cathedral of Avernus, a single man lay, sprawled out across a sacrificial alter. A beam of sunlight highlighted his face, and the ruby inscription under his head. He seemed to wrestle with himself from time to time, shifting horribly. He felt as though his bones were on the edge of shattering, and he thrashed off the alter.  
  
A voice much like that of the Elder God spoke to him, and him alone... no one else could understand why he spoke to himself, and his enthralled demon's did not care as to the mental state of the master they served. "You shall obey me, lest you wish for this torture to continue through more than life!" it spat.  
  
His eyes widened, and sweat dripped off his nose. He was haunted by something that had no form itself, and lived through others. "I... will not..!" he mumbled weakly, his voice becoming gravely with his last word. An ethereal laugh exploded within his head.  
  
"You shall break."  
  
No! His mind screamed, and he cupped his head with his hands, screaming up to the sky. "RrrrAaaaaAAAaaaAAhH!"  
  
"Play on little mortal... play on."  
  
***  
  
Kain, the greatest War General in Nosgothic history, displayed his plan, in camouflage face paint. He held a pointing stick, and whipped the map with it. "As we have no means to enter despite a forceful raid... since ONE of us can't teleport-"  
  
Malek and Vorador shot Raziel a cruel look. "Shut up..." he mumbled.  
  
"- we will strike here, here and here!" he finished, pointing to the front gate, the spire and the backdoor, respectively. "Once inside we will ascend the main spiral staircase, and breach their inhuman defences. Malek, you have the spire. You'll work your way down, and Vorador has the back door. Razzy, you're with me, since I can get us out if we run into too much trouble. Remember, this is a HUMOR action/adventure, so do as many stupid things as possible, and always, I cannot stress this enough, always aim for the crotch. Are there any questions?"  
  
Raziel raised his hand into the air. Kain gave him a nod, and he spoke. "Did you just call me Razzy?"  
  
"Yes I did." he replied.  
  
Vorador punched Raziel in the shoulder. "He's your father, he can do whatever the hell he wants."  
  
Malek punched his other shoulder. "I'm sure you didn't need to be told to hit them in the crotch." he said with his New Zealand accent.  
  
Raz was offended. "Are you implying that I'm a homosexual?" he asked.  
  
"No, just that you'll be jealous because you don't have one."  
  
Raz just nodded dumbly, then grabbed him by the armour and threw him over the couch, bent over him delivering punch after punch. Malek retaliated by using his telekinesis to throw Razzy into the ceiling, and gave him a hook on the way down.   
  
Raz landed on his feet, in a crouched position, and pounced on the Conflict Guardian, pining him to the wall. Malek took advantage of bad stance and slammed his elbow down on his spine, stunning him long enough for a knee bash to the face.  
  
Kain and Vorador ad flipped the couch around and now held bags of popcorn, watching them go at it, constantly swivelling their heads from left to right.  
  
Raz charged forward and drop kicked Malek in the chest, knocking him off his feet. He tried to jump on him, but missed as Malek rolled away. Kain's words came to mind, and he grabbed the man by his shoulders, and kneed him in the crotch with everything he had. Malek's eyes went wide, and the dropped down to his knees, before rolling down onto his back.  
  
Kain and Vorador both grabbed their crotches and crossed their legs in sympathy. Raz slicked back his perma-soaked hair and took a seat.  
  
"Bloody Murder!" the Paladin cried from the ground.  
  
"So, when are we leaving?" the Blue Crusader asked.  
  
I like giving people nicknames.  
  
Kain and Vorador exchanged looks, and nodded. "As soon as he can stand again." Kain stated.  
  
***  
  
The time for combat had come, and the four Hero's of this fic marched into Avernus city in slow motion, side by side. People ran away in all directions, and a storm of fangirls were held back by the local authorities. Raziel, standing second to the left, tripped over a stone and began to fall and, grabbing on to Malek and Vorador for support, dragged them to the ground with him, leaving only Kain standing.  
  
"Dumbasses." he muttered.  
  
The three rose unceremoniously from the ground, faces getting rosy. The two one the sides gave each other a nod, and Raz didn't really feel safe.  
  
"Guys?" He asked nervously.  
  
The two elbowed him in the ribs sharply, and he staggered back. The others broke into a sprint, leaving him in the dust. He hopped up off his knee and charged forth with all he had, starting to catch up. As he got beside Malek he disappeared in a purple haze, then Vorador. He made it alongside Kain, and they burst through the last alley, coming to the Cathedral grounds.   
  
Without slowing they charged with all their might strait into the barred gate, and bounced right off. Kain massaged his wounded backside, and glared at Raz.  
  
"What the hell did I do?!" Raz demanded. Kain opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off by a sharp squeal. The two looked around, mildly confused, until dust started to fall on their heads. They swung their heads around to stare at each other, wide eyed. Then, they turned their gazes to the front gate, which was slowly cracking through the heavy bars crossing it.  
  
"Oh, shit." Kain said, and then they shattered, and began to collapse straight down to those two!!  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" They both cried, until Kain teleported away.  
  
"Coward!" The Blue Stick Man managed to yell before he was quite literally crushed into the dirt. Kain looked down, kinda nervous.  
  
"Oops."  
  
***  
  
Malek appeared on the very top of the Cathedral, standing directly below the bell that would toll across the land in times of distress. He really wished his own Bastion had one, just for when he got bored. Heheh... funny to watch people panic.  
  
Enough time wasted thinking, he prepared himself to rush down the stairs, castrating any poor bastard who got in his way when he heard the front door collapse and the screams of two distinctive vampires.  
  
"We're under attack, sound the alarm! Strike the bell!" A voice from below called. Malek knew his cover was blown, and brandished his pike. A man in a robe holding a book floated up, and paused when he saw Malek.  
  
"Hello!" Our favourite Sarafan yelled, before sticking his pike in his stomach throwing him over the ledge. "And goodbye!"  
  
"What the hell was that?!" Someone shouted. He floated up the stairs, too. He saw Malek, and opened his book. Flame shot out. Malek barely dodged, and dashed forward while bringing his pike around in an arch, cutting the man in half. He began to jog down the stairs, slashing left to right and right to left without pattern, cutting down dozens of monks. He leapt down the last few steps onto the top floor, and was greeted by demon.  
  
The greatly hated grey demons from BO and SR2 began to circle him, and closed in. Malek waited patiently, his eyes closed, praying. Praying that they wouldn't die too easily. One that stood behind him to the left charged forward, hoping to catch him and electrocute him. He ducked and spun blade first, disembowelling it. Two more leapt forward, one to his right and one behind him.   
  
He caught the one to his right in the neck with the shaft in such a way that it's spinal column shattered. The one behind him swung a vicious right hook, and struck air. Malek dodged around it and sliced down it's back, right through the spine. It collapsed.  
  
With three of their numbers down, the remaining seven all charged at once, and Malek prepared himself.  
  
***  
  
Vorador kicked the back door in, and scared the crap out of the three monks guarding it. "Did I come at a bad time?" He asked sweetly. They fumbled for their books and he lunged forward. The middle one managed to get the book out in time, but the flame passed through the purpled mist. A movement to his left caught his eye, and something green wearing white and red dashed passed him. He stood dumbly, and felt strange. His neck split open and he dropped.  
  
The two behind him and to the sides panicked and shot flames after the mighty vampire, who teleported once more, and came from above, jabbing his Hybrid Blade through the left man's cranium.   
  
The last man screamed in terror and shot the flame at the no longer the vampire, burning the corpse instead. Vorador faded in and out of his view a dozen times and he shot at everything he saw, until a three fingered hand caught him around the throat and threw him into the marble wall.   
  
It cracked from the impact, and so did his back. He couldn't move. Vorador walked over leisurely and crouched down before him. "No... NOO!" he begged. It was useless of course. The three fingered hand that had but him in that situation came for his face, smoke billowing off of it.   
  
It clasped around his face and he felt a burning pain, then Vorador was gone. The words 'Vorry wuz here' were burmt onto his face.  
  
***  
  
Kain used his all powerful telekinesis to lift the massive door off of Razzy. He lay there imprinted into the ground. "Need a Tylenol?"  
  
"Tylenol GOOD! Hehehehehhheeeeheeehee!" he cackled out nonsensically.  
  
Kain picked him up and slapped him across the face. Raz snapped out of it in a heartbeat. "Pull yourself together man!!"  
  
Raz was mildly happy. "You called me a man." He stated.  
  
"Don't let it get to your head."  
  
He set the one head shorter than himself Raz down, pissed at his paternal instincts. He turned to the torn open entrance and heard screams of pain and cackles of madness. "Bastards started without us! Vae Victus!" he cried, charging Reaver first into the fray.  
  
Raz cracked his neck and drew his own Reaver. Time to work he thought to himself flatly. He charged in and swatted at the nearest man, taking him down. More than a dozen came in, and Raz pulled out the big guns. The Reaver disappeared from his hands and they caught fire. He held them above him and slammed them down, activating the notorious Fire Glyph.  
  
They all caught fire and ran around screaming. One of them just stood there, though. "AAAAH I'm burning, burning baby!" He cried out.  
  
All of them stopped, and spontaneously cried out "Burn baby burn, disco inferno!" then died horribly.  
  
Above them the roof split open and dozens of corpses poured in, all held in one position thanks to rigour mortis. They all had their hands over their crotches. Malek hopped down.   
  
"Hey guys!" He greeted.  
  
"Behind you!" Kain yelled. Too late, the man clubbed him over the head with a copy of 'Farewell to Arms'. "Ooh, that dumb bastard get's clocked over the head all the damn time!"  
  
Raziel bounced off of a wall and landed on said persons shoulders, reached down and tore his nipples off. "Oh GOD!!" He yelled, and ran off massaging his chest. Malek got up and pulled off his helmet, then massaged the back of his head.  
  
Vorador smashed open the doors dramatically, then noticed all the corpses and the three guys. "Ah, shit! Another entrance blown!"  
  
"Shut up." Kain spat, and looked up past the hole Malek made in the ceiling. He felt a familiar presence. "He's here."  
  
*** [thirty two seconds later]  
  
All four of them stood in the same room as portrayed before, with the alter. The same single man, with glowing red eyes giggled upon their arrival. "More fools to add to the gran Theater of Guignal!" He bellowed in a slightly too high voice for a good effect."  
  
Vorador was on the edge of murdering him. "Where the hell are my wives!? Tell me, or I'll lend you to him!" he announced, pointing to Raz.  
  
"Dude!" Raz whined. Kain elbowed him in the ribs lightly to shut him up.  
  
"You think you can defeat me?! I am %!!" he cried out.  
  
All four instantly got into combat positions. % stepped forward, and was about to strike when Moebius, the old time streaming git ran in with a bolt cutter and... castrated... %... ow.  
  
He doubled over in INSANE pain. "My passion pearls!" he whined out in a voice that was so high that only a dog could pick it up.  
  
"Haha! I have more for my collection!" Moe announced, then ran out, past the guys who were holding their own crotches. Well, Raz tried to. And dear sweet God so am I.  
  
"Jesus CHRIST!!" Malek yelled. Vorador recovered and grabbed him by the collar.   
  
"Where is Hash'ak'gik?!"   
  
The poor, poor, poor, POORPOORPOOR bastard grinned. "Inside me!" As he spoke, his voice deepened, and his body began to grow, and tear open, until he exploded in a gory mess, leaving only Hash'ak'gik!  
  
"You fools! You believed to be the players, when you were the pawns! Can you not glimpse the beauty of my great dream? To give horrid reviews to good stories, shattering their faith in themselves, stopping the fics! It would drop the moral off all who loved the stories, and I would reign with terror! Muahahahaha!!" the demon roared.  
  
Malek looked at Raz, who was unsurprised. Then to Kain and Vorador who reacted the same way as Raz. He was the only one grossed out by that act. "That was the single most disturbing thing I've seen since Vorador's nude green ass ran through the Stronghold!"   
  
Vorador sighed. "You'll never let me live that down, will you?!"  
  
"How do you hope to best me, little vampire?" it asked. Kain had a plan alright. He grabbed Raz's arm and brandished it before him.  
  
"With TWO Soul Reavers! Hahah!!"  
  
"Dad, hate to break it to you, but it isn't active."  
  
"Activate it. Now." He said in a low, threatening voice. Raz did so.  
  
Vorador had a question. "Where the hell are my wives?! Tell me or I'll take it all off, right here!"  
  
The three other hero's panicked. 'Tell him, tell him NOW!!" Kain roared.  
  
"I swear, if I see his bare ass ONE more time, I'm gonna mail you your dog in PIECES!" Malek promised.   
  
Raz on the other hand, was trying to run. "Lemmegolemmegolemmego!" he babbled.  
  
Hash'ak'gik laughed it off, and prepared to fight. "Time... to DINE!"  
  
Raz stopped struggling. "You mean, time to die, right?"  
  
"What did I say?" it asked.  
  
"Dine. Time to dine."  
  
"Oh. Time... to DIE!!"  
  
"Better."  
  
Kain leapt forward, a Reaver in each hand. "C'MON!!" he challenged. The demon starting punching at him, and breathing fire, to no success, until Kain stumbled over a big chunk of %. The demon grabbed him by the Reavers, and began to draw him in for a bite. Kain and Raz nodded. "Now!" They both cried.  
  
As one, their four combined feet struck the regenerated testies, and crippled the beast. Vorador charged forward and drop kicked him in the neck, an Malek threw his shoe at him. Everyone stopped and looked at him. He just shrugged.   
  
Finally Kain and Raz managed to get a good blow, and stuck it's heart like Dumah, except with Reavers. It... exploded in a most bloody way.   
  
"WHOO-HOO! We did it!" Raz cried, then dropped like a rock as Kain let go.  
  
"Time to find my brides!" Vorador ordered, and as they turned to leave, a rift in space and time opened behind them.  
  
Malek was the only one with something to say. "Oh. Shit." before they were dragged in.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!  
  
If you want me to continue, review, I beggeth thee! 


	4. New goal only goal whatever

Disclaimer: I'd have a heart attack if I found out I DID own this. Enjoy!  
  
Author's Note: Holy– I got a review from MortalSora! And Fallen Angel! That's two new ones! Then there's the ever faithful incredibly awesome OrpheumZero and Concept of a Demon, and i_love_elfie_bois, and... damn! That's a lot of reviews. I think I'll just update the review response... oh, Hylden whooping in this chap! Damn do I hate Hylden, and Sarafan. Well not Malek, he's way up there on my 'The Man' list. Umah is not. Stupid large breasted...   
  
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I hoped...  
  
New goal... only goal... whatever  
  
The four men were thrown through flashing lights, Christmas trees, itchy foam like stuff and even worse– Bane's washroom. All vegetarian food really smell's like crap when you crap it out. Big surprise there, eh? The tunnel finally ended, and they came tumbling out, Raz on top, Malek on the bottom, and Kain holding Vorador for dear life was wedged above Malek, under the green dude himself.   
  
A battle was being waged at the time of their arrival, and a creature in thick golden plated armour held a blue skinned, winged man in his grasp. Vorador and Kain recognized the two immediately, while Raz and tin boy only knew the blue one. The vampire Janos Audron, and the Hylden General aka the Sarafan Lord aka Jimmy Boy. Yes, his name is Jimmy Boy, get over it. Vorador was on his feet in an instant, along with Raz; their favourite Ancient in mortal danger. Kain just really didn't care, and Malek was debating wether or not that horrible snapping noise was his back, or his ribs. Either way, damn!  
  
"Get the hell off my father, Hylden!" Vorador ordered. How Vorador knew all this, coming from the SR2 era, I'll explain. They did not simply travel threw time, they possessed the closest bodies they had to match the era. Kain is pale skinned, blue eyed fledgling. Vorador is simply in different robes. Malek, to his surprise, realised nothing was broken, simply because he was a ghost in armour, the closest form he inhabited to this era. Raz was the most changed. He was the Reaver. That's right, hovering defensively next to Vorador was Kain's sword.  
  
"Jesus..! I'm floating body armour!" Malek exclaimed. "How am I going to pick up a woman like this?" He then noticed Janos, as Janos noticed him. "You!" he spat. Janos would have done similar, except he couldn't even breath. He then, finally, noticed Jimmy Boy squeezing the life out of Audron. He had only one thought– the bastard stole his job. And the parody of his emblem wasn't making it any better.  
  
Kain decided to take action. "Drop the disco goddess, creature, and face your doom," he demanded. As you may have guessed, he doesn't like Janos, he just wanted to try out duel Reavers. He summoned his favourite son, affectionately nicknamed Razzybitch, and drew his own Reaver at the same time. "Tell me;" he taunted, "which do you want up your ass, and which do you want down your throat?"  
  
Jimmy Boy, angered, dropped Janos on the spot, who began to pant heavily, crouching on all fours. "I see you've become more of a nuisance than I ever thought possible. Tell me, do you truly believe that with multiple parodies of the blade, you truly stand a chance?  
  
The answer was obvious. "Yes," said Kain, "back on subject, do you want the white bone Soul Reaver, or the copper one from SR2 up your ass?"  
  
The tin wonder stepped forward. "HEY!! You call yourself the Sarafan Lord? You hired vampires for bodyguards and went down on the bald one! You are no Sarafan!" he spat.  
  
Jimmy Boy was not pleased. "And you are? Look around you, fool and see a mystery."  
  
Malek looked around, and finally noticed it. IT. "Kain, what the hell happened to your waist? You look like you weigh as much as Razzy!" The sword leaped in Kain's hands.  
  
Kain shrugged as response, and the Hylden slapped his forehead before speaking. "You are Sarafan, yet your allies are completely vampire!"  
  
"Point being?"  
  
JB was going insane. Steam literally shot from his ears. No big surprise, seeing as his head was already covered in some form of glyph mist. Janos, now able to breathe (not that he needs to) stood and staggered to Kain. "The blade Kain, you need only one! Give it to me!" he implored.  
  
Vorador, ancient and near omnipotent had other plans. "No, hand it to me Kain. He wasted his aeon with the blade, and you know what he'll do with Razzy!" This of course, pissed off the only blue one in the group. (Raz is a sword)  
  
"No, give it to me Kain." rumbled a third voice. The three vampires, ex-Sarafan and the sword, the copper one, gave the speaker a blank stare. The Sarafan Lord went aqua green with embarrassment. "Hey, can't blame a guy for trying, right? Guys? Friends?"  
  
Kain reached out and clicked a lamp switch, materialised from nowhere. The whole room turned black. Except the portal.  
  
*boom*crack*snap*pop*crickety*slap*boing*  
  
"Mind the package!"  
  
*smack*crackle*  
  
*click*  
  
Light returned to Nosgoth, and the only non-inbred hillbilly was sprawled out on the ground, broken. The LoK dream team (plus Janos) cheered to their victory. It was a great one, one that Kain himself could have done, one that Raz could have done alone and one that didn't need that *boing*.  
  
"Now Kain, as I am the Reaver Guardian, hand me the blade." Janos persisted.   
  
"Bite me old man, we don't need you around!"   
  
Vorador was getting edgy. "Kain, I think you should give him the blade. Even Malek thinks so."  
  
The camera zoomed in on Malek, a spoon in one hand, a bowl of Kaineo's in the other. "Huh? Hey, a penny!"  
  
"Mine!" Kain cried, and dove for it. The same moment as Janos dove for him. Janos missed. Floor ended. Janos+no floor= swirling abyss. Figure that one out.  
  
"KAAAAIIIIIIIN!!!"  
  
*ZAP*  
  
And Janos met the world largest bug zapper. Damn.  
  
Vorador was heart broken. "Daddy, noooooooooo!!!! He didn't even write his will... aw well, time to hit the brothels."  
  
A question poked into Malek's brain. "Weren't we trying to find your brides?"  
  
Vorador didn't care. "I don't care." See? SEE?!   
  
An idea popped into Malek's empty helmet. (Sorry dude) "Say, why don't we send this one back in time?"  
  
No one else had a clue as to what he meant.  
  
***  
  
The portal cracked open, and the ass ugly, golden armoured villain of BO2 fell through. He was in Vorador's Mansion, 9 centuries earlier. He pushed himself into a sitting position, and noticed the single most horrid abomination that could have ever been a vampire. Greta.   
  
"You... PreTTy... Greta liKe..."  
  
She pounced on him, and he could do only one thing. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
***  
  
Wandering the lower city for Vorador's Blue Lady brothel, Kain froze in place, causing them to turn and look at him. " Did you hear that?"  
  
"Hear what?" the wolf eared wonder asked. Creative, aren't I?  
  
"Hmm... nothing."   
  
And so the journey continued, to destroy the one rin- I mean, to find Sanctuary. Damn, watched the Lord of the Rings again last night. Back on subject. They passed the market, filled with pickled bodies and dissected corpses, both human and animal. Wait... this is the Blood Omen script! Dammit, I'm firing my secretary! Wait, that's me! DAMN!!!!!!! Alright... oh, that was the right script. Damn sick merchants. And one of the hung figures Kain recognized immediately.  
  
"So, Turel, that's where you've been hiding."  
  
Turel tried to make a dash for it, but being tied to a pole by a leash, he only managed to chafe his neck. Badly. I mean this is the thing a mortician should have looked at. Just then, the Necromancer Mortanius; famed Guardian of Death and possessed madman, ran in.  
  
"I'm a mortician!"  
  
[insert laughs in background here]  
  
Vorador sized him up. "No you aren't. You're the guy that went psycho when I streaked through the Sarafan Stronghold."  
  
That being mentioned, Mortanius had a panic attack. He fell onto his side, curled up into a ball and began to rock back and forth mumbling unknowns. I love my work. "Damn," he continued. "Him and Moebius both. Is my green ass really that horrible? Should I have asked?"  
  
Kain, ever the prick (I love that man) decided to answer. "No you shouldn't have. Even Melchiah would be queasy at the sight of your ass."  
  
Just then, King William the just ran in. "Did someone say boy-king?"  
  
"NO!" shouted everyone in Meridian.  
  
Said boy-king ran off crying like the long haired fem (no offense Kain) that he was. In my opinion, if some of you like him, don't flame- I like him too. And I HATE Raz. Please God don't let them flame me.  
  
"What is your offer?" the Elder rumbled.  
  
"HEY!! You stole my voice actor! I'll kill you!" the Necromancer shouted. Squiddy scoffed in response. "I'll send you to the grave, and raise you as an amusement park you ancient demon!"  
  
Malek got curious. "I'm picking up some bad blood here. Anyone care to elaborate?"  
  
Pleasure. 9 centuries after rasing his vampire sons, Dumah gave Kain a pet squid. Kain got drunk, and kinda wandered off into the far past. He found the endlessly swirling vortex of the abyss, ate the squid and crapped him into what he thought was a freaking huge toilet system. Ever since then, that squid grew and got more and more annoying until he declared himself a God, and told his ex-boyfriend Moebius to create an order of vampire slayers, since he hated Kain. So Moebius raped Guillaume, the former Guardian of Conflict, to death. Guillaume was strong however, and lasted over a week. His screaming was heard from the forges of the Serioli to the northlands of Vasserbunde.  
  
On that last day, Malek was borne, son of horse breeders in the mighty city of Coorhagen. Old Moe had his family assassinated by vampires, hence making him a natural foe to vampires. In his hatred he raised an army of warrior-priests devoutly loyal to the Circle of Nine, and promoted six dumbasses to be figurehead generals. Then the intro to Blood Omen, then the events of Blood Omen and the Sarafan were no more. So Malek is a misunderstood good guy and has joined their quest to kill Moebius, wipe out the Hylden and make calamari out of shitty the squiddy.   
  
All the vampires, old men and readers looked at Malek. "Yeah, that's-That's what happened. Yeah. Damn, uh... Moe! I like vampires, whoo-hoo. Yeah."  
  
Vorador quirked an eye ridge. "Riiiight. Then let's kill Moe!"  
  
"YES!!!! I'VE WAITED GOING ON FIVE GAMES FOR THIS!!" the one who screamed was non other than Mortanius. I guess everyone hates the old rapist/bastard.   
  
And so the now larger group left to find the home of the Cabal, which for no reason at all leads them to the Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain era. In their haste they left behind another character, his head nearly snapped off.  
  
"Guys? Dad? Somebody? I'm in a lot of pain here..."  
  
The man who hung Turel on a rack ran in and spotted him off his appointed place. "Bad half man half donkey! Now I'm gonna give you the hose!"  
  
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
***  
  
[Sanctuary]  
  
And so the weary hero's who somehow avoided murder for a chapter made it to the home of Vorador's vampire order. Or was it vampire resistance? Ah, mess it. It was abandoned, save for a swirling red vortex which led to only where readers and the author know. The mighty force of decadent old men and a possessed sword stepped through, and all hell broke loose. Vorador's robes returned to normal, Kain reverted to being a fledgling and Raziel became free of the Reaver since he starts Defiance in this time.  
  
Before the oddly assorted group of hero's was non other than vampire hunters. Some with pitchforks, some obese with torches. And one of them held a sing reading C.A.T.F., under which was scribbled 'Coaliton agenst ths fik'. Oh great, protestors. And at the head of the group was Janos Audron- evil vampire out for the man who had him jump into the abyss, King William the Just whom I embarrassed and Moebius; the infernal time streaming dickless dickhead.  
  
"Hey! We are a legal union of vampire haters and enemies to this fic. We are now rival characters and cannot be beaten by interference by the author!" the old jerk snapped.  
  
Kain scoffed. "Like we need help in defeating you three! A hippy with wings, a fem I kill anyway and the only person in Blood Omen you can kill with one hit from ANYTHING!!"  
  
The C.A.T.F. looked kinda embarrassed, shifted nervously and nodded. "Ah hell, I'll call pack up!" With that said, Willy pulled out his cell and dialled up another 'friend'. "Hey. Yeah, they noticed. Sure. A bit constipated, but I'm good. Really? Kick ass! Uh-huh? Absolutely. Way to go! What? Yeah there here now. Good, see you after I hang up. Bye!"   
  
As soon as he hung up, a chopper flew over head and disgorged foes. The three stooges of Blood Omen 2, all the Sarafan lt.'s, the rest of the Circle of Nine, the Circle of Nine Vorador killed and King Kong.  
  
The group stared wide eyed, or glowing orbed in Raz's case and shiny helmeted in Malek's at the larger and much more deadly force then before. Then a second chopper came and dropped off both Sarafan armies. And a third, with all the Dumahim, Dumah included.  
  
"Hey dad!" He greeted cheerfully.  
  
"What?! How dare you defy me?!" Kain demanded.  
  
"You ate and shit out my squid, Sephiroth-02-01 even wrote so! I loved that squid! I called him elder, and he could do this thing with his tentacles like you couldn't imagine!"  
  
The response was the same from eveyone, friend and for. "EW!" Except Moebius.  
  
"You bitch! You said I was the first!"  
  
The elder's sepulchral voice came into being. "I still love you!"  
  
Just them, over the horizon and far away came another enemy, that prick %. "Wait! Wait! I missed my chopper!" he panted.  
  
Moebius saw him and grinned. "Hello. I didn't bring a bolt cutter with me this time, but I'll be happy to make do with my teeth!"  
  
"Oh sweet Hash no!" And so they ran back over the horizon and far far away.  
  
The two groups stared each other down, then leapt into action.  
  
NEXT TIME  
  
Author's Note: Just kidding!  
  
Kain swung the mighty Reaver blade around in a wide arc, his foes' bodies ruptured and spreade across the ground in a messy pattern, a thumbs up to the LoK logo. Another swarm came at him, and he put his ever loved Font of Putrescence to use. Their deaths were not pleasant ones. Still they came, and in greater numbers. Seeing himself in a disadvantage, he traded the Soul Reaver for his axes, Havoc and Malice. He cut them down as they came for him, either dead long before they struck ground, or desperate to hold their fleeing life withing their torn and mangled torsos. A man to his left, and an axe felled him, splitting his skull open like fruit. The man before him charged, bold. No matter how greatly fate favoured the bold, that fool was dead before he could bring his blade to defend.  
  
A proud sarafan made a foolhardy attempt at Kain's back. Havoc, rusted by blood, remained caught in his helmet. Kain abandoned the weapon, and threw Malice with all his might. A sumo with a torch discovered the best way to lose weight, fast! The now fledgling vampire lord was quick to the draw with his Flame Sword, last great artifact of the Serioli blade smiths. The screams caused by it's flaming teeth were blood curdling, and in it's wielder's mind- satisfying.  
  
Already deep in the mass of foes, the eldest living vampire of his era readied his Bone Reaver (I like to call it that) in one hand, an imposing spell in his free hand. His strength uncontested by mortals, he kept his eyes on his own vampiric spawn. They never approached the battle, allowing their lowlife lackeys to do the work. They did, however ill it might have been done. Vorador spread blood and viscera across the snowy plains east of Uschtenheim, his blade finding little resistance in human flesh. He cut swathe through them in several large arcs, giving him a berth wide enough to safely use his prepared spell– the Spirit Death. Oh, the horrors of having your very soul dissected from your still living body.  
  
Mortanius on the other hand was having a great time. Being a Necromancer, he had summoned an army of the undead to do his bidding. He even had one get in his hands and knees, which is where he sat, happily humming and sipping tea. "Good thing Moebius left, those vampires might have had a chance at losing if he was here. *sip* YOU CALL THIS CAMOMILE!?" Angrily he poured it onto his servants head, scalding no longer human flesh.   
  
Raz and Malek stood back to back. Both untouchable by blade, they had decided to join forces. Old friends to both the ex-sarafan, the men were smart enough not to mess around. Not smart enough to have brought jock's however. Ouch. With each slash a man lost his balls, with each blow a warrior last his pride. His joy. His best friends. And man did they scream, and loud at that! Like they never liked the idea of being a uni. Ow... so very ow...  
  
Disheartened and near defeated, the Sarafan and all around asses called a retreat. A hasty one. "For the love of your Lord Almighty, fat men and little 'uns first!!!!"  
  
And so they ran, cold of heart, into the long night ahead. I bleed Kain quotes. *dark chuckle* Leaving a very embarrassed group of Kings, vampires and blue hippies. They shared a look, and ran like hell. I *hate* that game. The group rejoiced, and set out to find Vorador's whore hou- I mean... Mansion. 


	5. Harrassing the Balance Guardian

Disclaimer: I don't own this. Fanfiction does. I think. Yeah, they do. I think. Yeah! What was I smoking last night? So many colors, so beautiful!

Vorador: Quit playing with my robes, dammit! Hey, that doesn't come o- MY BALLS!!!!

  
  
  
  


Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I Hoped...

Harassing that Balance Guardian

  
  
  
  


Raziel threw open the doors to the Sanctuary of the Clans, and stepped through boldly. However, upon making only a few paces in, the door resealed itself. Raz, now having been locked in, backed away from the door, fearful of other traps. He had barely made any distance when he heard a voice that brought him to full height. "Raziel."

He wheeled on himself, then lost his footing and tumbled onto the floor. After a moment, he popped back up into view and swatted some dust off his cowl. "Kain." he spat contemptuously, walking towards his maker. Kain was lounged out comfortably across his throne, he had clearly been waiting for Razzybitch. I mean, Raziel. Dammit man, don't get flamed! Raziel paused and examined himself. "The abyss has been unkind." he mused to himself.

"You are my creation. Now, as before I criticize my own work. What have I, degenerate, done with your clan? I had no right!"

The destroyed vampire messiah chuckled darkly. "What you have created, you can also destroy, elder."

"Damn me Raziel! I am not God! This act of genocide is unconscionable!" he shouted in anger, appalled by his own genocidal act.

"Conscience? I dare to speak to YOU of conscience? Only when I have felt the true gravity of choice should I EVER dare to question your judgement! My life span is a flicker, compared to the mass of doubt and regret you have borne since Mortanius first turned you from the light... to know the fate of the world hangs in the advisedness of your every deed-- can I even begin to conceive what action I would take, in your position?" He demanded.

Kain in turn chuckled. "You would choose integrity, Raziel."

"Look around me, Kain-- see what has become of our empire. The clans, scattered to the corners of Nosgoth. This place has outlasted it's usefulness, as have I..."

With that said, Kain drew the ancient blade, Soul Reaver from his back. "The Soul Reaver, my ancient blade. Older than any of us and a thousand timed more deadly. The legends claimed the blade was possessed, and thrived by devouring the souls of it's victims. For all their bravado, they knew what it meant when I raised the Soul Reaver in anger. It meant you're dead."

For no reason whatsoever, Ariel danced across their view, chasing a paper bag caught in the wind, chanting 'paper bag' continually. Then the combat began, a vicious duel which ended in Raziel being brought to his knees. Kain grinned demonically, and brought the Reaver around in one, massive finishing blow. The blade shattered upon contact, leaving Kain without his damned victory. 

Raziel, before fading into the spectral realm, looked up at Kain. "The blade is vanquished. So it unfolds, and we are one step closer to our destinies."

  
  


The elder vampire however, simply faded away, bound for places unknown. He left in his absence, a monologue. "He swore he saw a glint of satisfaction in my eyes when the Soul Reaver was destroyed. Raziel did not understand the game I was playing. He knew the finishing move, however."

  
  


***

  
  


Raz snapped upright so quickly his Michelle Branche bed sheet was sent into the wall. Actually, the wall after it. Looking a little sheepish, he dragged a vase in front of the hole. "Incognito." Satisfied with his craptacular work, he went to find a glass of water. About halfway down the massive hallway he realized their was no way in hell he could drink it, he turned around and went back to his room. On the way their, he passed by Kain's room. "I wonder what he's dreaming about?"

  
  


***

  
  


Kain stood back in horror as the Necromancer Mortanius, his undead father, grew and contorted. His very flesh tore away as what seemed to be a wall of black muscle erupted from within it, then blades formed. White as bone, like the tusks that sprouted from his mouth and curved upwards. It was a horrifying sight, enough to render one (giggle) insane. From the dakrness of his eyes red flames light, and the demon master Hash'ak'gik was reborne. He lumbered a step forward, closer to Kain.

"I thought myself a king when I was in fact a pawn! I have served you well, Hash'ak'gik." Kain admitted.

"You serve no one!"

"Indeed. I have such narrow vision. Don't I see? Your silencing of Ariel, and it's calculated repercussions, it is but the first act in your theatre of Grand Guignol. Of which I am the tragic hero! Allow me to play on, grand demon, play on."

'Vae Victus!" The demon bellowed.

  
  


***

  
  


*WHUMP*

Kain rolled onto his back, while rubbing his nose. It took the brunt of falling off the bed. Now he would never get back to sleep, so he decided to pay a visit to Ariel. Possibly walk on and of the platform the Pillars were on and laugh at her. Yeah, he already did it to future Ariel, so- WAIT!! She said 'are you doing that again?' when he tried it in the future! Damn, so he IS destined to do that. No! He wouldn't! Before his eyes he saw history reshuffling. He did it! He created a time altering decision, again!

"Quit fucking with fate, dammit!" came Vorador's angry voice from down the hallway.

How dare he tell Kain what to do? Kain was almighty, Kain was- a damn fledgling! He pulled out a note pad and jotted down 'wedgie Vorador in future'. Then he added: 'stop him from being decapitated'. Then he ran out of ink. Enraged, he threw it onto the floor. Then he got the mace out.

  
  


"Die, heathen pen!!"

And the pen met the mace, and the marble tiles. His 'foe' vanquished, he straightened himself and smirked, proud of his small accomplishment. Then it hit him, he was thinking like a fledgling again. Damn! He couldn't even VO when he wanted to. At least he was going to be a big hit in Defiance. It seemed people didn't really like him in BO2. He shrugged it off and left for Ariel's. She had surrounded the Pillars with her garden last time he visited her. He wanted to see what it was now.

As he exited the luxurious manor, he concentrated on the Pillars in his mind, and shattered into dozens of small bat like creatures, his fastest form of transportation. He passed over sights he would have taken for granted, had he not known the horrible fate in store for the land. And having personally casting every single freaking activists and ill wisher, vegetarian and member of PETA into the abyss. Oh, his well used toilet for life's little shits. At least that's how he saw it. One of them had grabbed him by the balls as he had cast her in, and the burns took over a month to get over. He razed every Taco Bell in Nosgoth for that. Granted they had nothing to do with it, but he caught the guy with a burrito before hand. 

He reformed at the Pillars, Ariel watering what was now a FREAKING HUGE jungle of plants, flowers and whatever the hell THAT is! The offended clematis ducked under a group of vines, who began to console it. What the..? Back on subject, Ariel finally noticed Kain slack jawed at the scenery, smack dab in the middle of the platform she was damned to. Except for SR1. Anyway, she approached him.

"What brings the largest shitbomb in Nosgoth to me?" she asked.

Kain chuckled, a comeback at hand. "Have you ever seen the X-Files?" he asked. At her lack of a response, he went for the punch line. "It's just because you remind me of... Scully?"

"Scully?" she asked. "Is it because of my grounded beliefs?" Then his words sank in. "That's not funny, dammit!"

A voice from within the nation of flora, which never sees the end of the year, caught Kain's full attention. "Your wit does not impress me, vampire assassin," said one of the human characters I introduced last chapter. Oh I'm not good at this, it's Willy!

"Strong words for a 19 year old with a 60+ year old man for a voice actor." Kain replied cooly. His only response was his mouth opening and shutting several times, speechless.

"Screw it! Time for the fight scene!" the to be named Nemesis (if he makes it through the chapter) bellowed, drawing the Soul Reaver.

Kain drew the same blade, from decades after the death of it's previous wielder. They began to circle each other, and Ariel began to mic a bag of popcorn. How the hell did she get one of those? Did she like, plug it into the Pillar of Energy? Whatever. Donning the Wraith Armour in the moonlit night, the future Lord of Nosgoth drew the blade over his head, then let it slide into attack position, flexing his muscular arms. His beautifully silver haired opponent did the same, little hampered by his blade coated crimson armour. The unliving hero stopped, and coaxed his foe into attacking. The Nemesis did just that, closing the few metre distance with leaping strides. 

Kain brought his own blade up to deflect the downward arc, sparks erupting from the force of the blow. He pushed hard, throwing his attacker back a few paces then followed that action with a hard slash, enough force behind it to tear a man in half. It was parried, and his enemy's blade was returned. He dropped to a knee, his light as air armor giving him the advantage of agility. He leapt forward, thrusting with both arms extended. While not as agile as the vampire, William was not without wits. He managed to dodge the blade that would have impaled any lesser warrior, and spun a full circle on his heels, blade extended. Kain brought his blade up, catching the blade underneath its path, and deflected it upwards, over his head. While doing so he rolled away, never tiring. He returned to his feet in a flash, parrying another attack. His foe was vicious, and his undeath was no advantage when facing the Reaver blade.

The title character jabbed at the fair haired man's face, forcing him back a step, more than Kain needed. He leapt at his foe, blade overhead and poised to strike. A wide arc from Just passed through hi mid section completely, a blow that could tear any entity to small pieces, raining about. It had no effect on Kain, as he was already mist. Kain solidified again, swinging down with all his might. The younger man was no fool and let the blade carry him, landing unceremoniously on the ground, alive however. In his many efforts to slay Kain he had tired himself. He had let the fight drag on to long, and his chanced for survival dropped with every breath he took. Defiant to the last, he put the blade in a defensive position. Kain struck hard, and William's Reaver, brought up vertically to defend, simply snapped in half. His armor did little to prevent the semi-physical man's blade from disemboweling him, tearing away a massive portion of his soul. He staggered back, allowing the ruined blade to fall, favoring the use of both his hands to prevent the inevitable. What had started as a thin gash quickly split open, his lifeblood and more draining from his body, onto similarly colored armor.

Before either could gloat or beg, an enormous plant snatched the fem from his feet and swallowed his hole. "Whoa!" both Pillar Guardians shouted. The plant then belched, and a cell phone smacked Kain in the forehead. A voice shouted from it. He picked it up, wiped plant juice from it and spoke into it.

"Hello?" he asked.

Moebius' familiar voice responded. "Kain!? Holy crap, where's blondy? Isn't he on a date with the skull girl?"

"Nope. Killed em. See you later, don't forget to bring a desert!" he shouted cheerfully, always peppy after a good sword fight. Didn't get too many anymore, not since the time he got drunk with Magnus and he tried to go down on him. Bald fruit. Wasn't really hard, just the vomiting made it a little... weird? No... odd? No... ah yes, IN-FREAKING-SANE! Unknown to him, but known to everyone else, Sarafan Melchiah has a bad case of diarrhea. Ew, nasty and irrelevant! Well, let's check on C.A.T.F.

  
  


***

  
  


Moebius screamed in frustration, then dropped the cell and smashed it with his staff. Both broke. He dropped to his knees and sobbed. The Sarafan Zephon ran in and gasped. "That phone costed me a blow job! To the Sarafan Lord!" he cried. Everyone, and I mean everyone turned and stared at him. He, of course, smiled nervously. "Snoochy moochy?"

Dumah, both of them, strode up behind him and slapped him upside his head for being a dumbass. "Have some dignity!" he/they scolded, then returned to the same seat. The Sarafan got their first, and the massively powerful and evolved vampire picked him up and tossed him over his shoulder calmly. "So we lost a man, let's send a raid to Vorador's place and cause some damage. Vampire to vampire to Sarafan to ghost armor."

The human Dumah, head stuck in a door, was knocked half senseless, yet remained indignant. "Real smart, discuss this when the author's paying attention. I thought I had some brains. Apparently they degenerate into goo."

"And I don't sound like a watermelon's been shoved up my ass. Strange how I sound more masculine, and Turel's voice get's higher. Well, he might have a deeper voice in Defiance than the guy who did it in Soul Reaver, then got cut."

Turel's voice rang down the makeshift Sarafan Stronghold, two suites next to each other in a five-star hotel. Unfortunately for them, someone locked them out of the Sarafan Stronghold, the actual one. Heh heh... my favorite self insert characters from Chibi Kain. I doubt that I'll give them a real part. Anyway, he shouted: "Lord Moebius, Bane went down on Dejoule again, and Anecrothe pissed on the toilet seat!"

The Sarafan Melchiah, greatest janitor in Nosgothic history, brought his spear/mop around in attack position. "Die, heathen piss monster!" he cried, then ran into the bathroom and mopped up all in sight, humming happily. Then demonic roars were heard, along with his own cries of pain. He came out, the bathroom behind him sparkling. Weird. Mission complete, he returned to the chair he slept on (the Guardians shared the beds, and Dumah(vampire) would crush them) and continued to read 'Farewell to Arms'.

  
  


Azimuth, wide eyed, continued to stare at Melchiah. "Riiiight."

The door to room 405 swung open, and the three vamp/stooges of BO2 swarmed in. Their unusual hearing had allowed them to pick up 'Bane down on Dejoule', and they went crazy. "Where?!" they all demanded simultaneously. As one, the Sarafan Generals, Guardians and Dumah pointed to the washroom, the shower more specifically. They charged in and slammed the door behind them. Grunts and hooting was heard from beyond the threshold. Everyone one left in the room quirked an eyebrow, then shrugged it off. 

"I say we execute the traitor to the Circle, and the Sarafan!" the speaker, Raziel, was standing on his chair, after dragging it into the center of the room. He wasn't good with Malek anymore. One hand in the air, the other clutching his helmet, he waited, eyebrows raised. Dumah threw an empty coke bottle at him, knocking him off his feet, and chair. He landed on the artificial fireplace, and leapt onto his feet, bird armor on fire. The whole congregation of C.A.T.F members watched him dance around the room, like a ballerina on LSD. "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWITBURNSMYNUTSAREONFIREHELPMEPLEASEPUTITOUTHEYICANSEEMYOWNLIPSOWOW!!!"

Rahab calmly stepped in Raz's way and dumped a bucket of ice on him. It didn't have the desired effect. It struck him unconscious, yes, put the fire out, no. Dumah then lumbered over and placed his huge helmet on the ground next to him, then unzipped his plate mail and did the unspeakable on Raz. Not Unspoken, unspeakable. It put Raz out, and in a way, Raz put out. Nasty.

  
  


***

  
  


Nutgrabber, I mean... Nupraptor sneaked outside of the building for a smoke. Having sowed his lips shut, he telepathically drew the smoke in through the small slits between threads in his lips. He sighed it out, worried that the other members would find out about his dirty little habit. He never even noticed the inhuman creature stalking the grounds behind him, crouched down and blending in with the granite walls no more than a foot behind him. The Mentalist tossed his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it, then made his way to the doors. As his fingers closed around the cool metal of the knob, an inhuman voice called to him.

"Leaving so soon?" the mocking voice, high and grating, asked. The speaker then stepped into the light. Around nine feet tall, his muscular frame seemed to be carved from steel to add to the effect of his well toned body. His chin held high and ears almost a foot across, he was clearly Turelim. To be more precise, he Lord of the Turelim. His clan symbol was still draped over his shoulder, under the metal guard he hadn't removed in centuries. The master of telekinesis approached the Guardian, blessed with a similar ability.

"Keep your distance, demon, or I'll send you back to hell!" he cautioned.

"My master, Kain, sends his regards. It's a pity you won't be able to return the sentiment."

And so a duel of magical powers commenced, waves of energy, formed through theirs minds blasted their forms, sending them both sprawling. Turel was up much faster than his foe, and waited patiently. The trickle of blood that oozed from his eyebrow sucked itself back in, sealing the wound. His healing powers had developed faster than any of his brethren, and his rock like skin took little damage. He staggered back, taking a blow to the stomach from the Mind Pillar. He hadn't even bothered to rise from the ground to attack. He would pay for teaching Turel a lesson in mercy. He lashed out again, but the semi visible projectile dissipated in the vampire's presence. 

The most loyal of Kain's brood unleashed the full of his fury, simply picking up the helpless human and smashing him into any surface he saw fit. Walls spewed shards of stones as the madman crashed into them, and through them. On the verge of defeat, he pulled at his foe, and caught Turel by a most sensitive ear. He fell to the ground, released. He pulled at the Sarafan turned vampire's legs and blasted his chest with a steady stream of mental force. The 2nd born son crashed into the ground and slid across cement, barely scratching his back. He used his own powers to push off the ground, high into the air. He kicked off a wall, buckling it inwards.

The Mind Guardian was, for the first time, confused as the massive vampire loomed over him, less than a meter behind. He finally saw the cracked wall, and followed with his eyes to the only place he could be. He twisted his torso around, and fixed his eyes on the piercing gaze of the vampire Turel. His mouth opened to speak, but no words came out. It's difficult when it's been severed in a single slash. The vampiric equivalent of Dumbo picked up the severed head, and looked around curiously. Then he spoke. "Alas, poor Nupraptor. I knew him well. Not as well as he knew every nook and cranny on Ariel though. With that, he tossed it over his shoulder and stalked off.

  
  


***

  
  


Dumah laid his cards down, a royal flush. With a groan, the Sarafan Turel, Bane and Marcus took off an article of clothing and placed it before them. Then the window shattered, and the head of Nupraptor landed hard between them, on the table. Many screamed, many gasped, Sebastion passed out. Dumah just quirked an eyebrow. "Well. Isn't this an onion in the ointment?"

  
  


Author's Note: Any suggestions for new members of C.A.T.F.? Please review, I love(like) you all! 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. the next one

Disclaimer: I don't own the content. If you haven't picked up on that, seek help.   
  
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I had hoped...

Next Chapter (duh)  
  


The lord and nearest thing to a God in Nosgoth, now a petty Fledgling once again (poor sucker, I AM GOD) was dozing off 'tween the Pillars of Balance and Nature. I memorized the layout. Conflict is next to the Mind, see? SEE?! Good, now I can continue. Kain, in his unconscience ramblings, made his dislike for furnisexuals clear. He really didn't like it when Zephon started nailing his throne. Vampire... sticky... doesn't wash off very easily you know. Well, he isn't going to be doing much for a while, so I'm skipping to the Sarafan Stronghold, where my personal creations (one of which I am) stand guard.  
  


Sarafan Stronghold  
  


All was unusually quiet for the home of the Sarafan sorcerer-priests, their being the biggest society of booze hounds in history, Malek being a good example of that, as only two adolescents occupied it. Whereas I can't inhibit the C.A.T.F. directly, I can still piss them off. You see, I left Mike and Ryan of Chibi Kain fame guard. And they locked the front door. HA! Mike, in Sarafan robe/armor garb was leaned up against to a wall opposite vampire Ryan who held a super ball in his hand. He wound back and let it fly! Mike titled to his head off to the side, dodging the insanely bouncy ball.

"Nice shot."

He wasn't so lucky on it's second pass. "Damn! My eye!" As some of you may have guessed, the ball bounced back over to Ryan, then at Mike for a second try at him. He never saw it coming, and he'll be lucky to ever see out it again. To those who guessed, I give you a piece of candy, to those who did not, jackshit. Mike staggered off to the side, still fearful of another bounce in the eye, face buried in his hands. Ryan's manic laughter reverberated down the desolate halls. The human member of the duo, having just read the boozing society paragraph, began strolling down the halls, every intention ending with the simple goal of getting shit faced. Story's getting rude, is it not?

Regardless, his getting somewhat lonely friend dashed down the halls after him. Together again, and after a crack about being an idiot followed by a crack to the fibs, hurting the assailant more than the holy Angel of Light, he has a breast plate you realize, they continued to wander down the halls, Ryan's undead nose serving as a beer detector. After taking a left from the main couryard, they began to discover the corpses of Mike's brothers at arms. Dead by alcohol poisoning. They were getting close, and the hyper nose was sniffing around like my dad if he catches wind of chilly. Then he usually creates wind of his own. They reached a door with a large keg carved into it, and they knew they had reached their goal.

"We've reached our goal."

See?

"Wait, our goal? When did you inform me of alcohol? This makes no sense, it must be that shotty author assuming I'd read the previous paragraph, however my being one NOT to cheat would be requiring a comrade to fill me in on the current situation."

...

"You watch too much Mallrats. Alright, you want the short of it? I want beer, we found beer. Drink beer?"

He really is my Sarafan incarnation, always mocking Ryan. Anyways as they reached for the knob, pausing to try and bat the other away, a bellow reverberated down the halls. The vampire Concept of a Demon came tearing down the hall, screeching to a halt before the two secondary characters who won't appear in another chapter. Sorry for all their fans. (Like there are any)

"Sorry, came to warn you of impending doom!!"

Ryan snorted. "That's always good to hear."

Ah yes, sarcasm, a champions breakfast.

"We are in danger how?"

Concept glanced at the corpses on the floor. "Remember the enemies section on the Defiance web site? The revenant."

The two glanced at all the corpses littering the hallway.

"Ryan, you are suck a dumbass."

"ME!?"

The fallen Sarafan leapt to attention before the argument could continue, and began to degenerate horribly, moulding flesh and decaying. At once, they may sound the same but there is a difference. Well back to the good stuff. Dozens of the decayed wracks of flesh, inhabited by hylden scum, attacked at once, their well fashioned Sarafan axes, sabers, pole arms and bastard swords seeming too heavy for their frail forms flashed down to strike -

Stone and steel. The vampire authors had disappeared apparently, appearing in the midst of many ghouls, their claws seeking soft flesh, sending corpses and maimed foes sprawling. They dashed to and fro between attacks, their flesh and bone no more than immaterial mist. The newest member of the group gave a fallen Angel of Light an uppercut so powerful it sent both of them into the air. Using no more than the power of his mind he maintained his height for several gouges and slashes, finally taking a hold of it's nearly removed arm and sending it into a wall, telekinetic powers allowing him to drain it of his blood while descending. 

One of the undead wielding a massive blade brought said weapon around in a vicious arc. The attack was far less vicious than the one released by Ryan as he dashed past the swung blade. The force of the blade was enough to spin the creature 180 degrees, his head popping off as he completed the spin. The over zealous spawn of Rhonda *cough* Vorador shifted between material and no more than thick air as he passed one by. It spun with it's broad axe extended, missing the somersaulting foe completely. The one closer to being a hero landed behind him again, and snapped his neck, then bit down, draining the so easily flowing blood. 

A sorcerer-priest's pike struck ground harshly, a flash of 'purifying' fire snapped to life and died just as quickly. Several possessed members of his holy order collapsed in piles, while more crowded around him. He was not as quick or powerful as his vampire companions, but he was far beyond the skill of the lurching ghouls before him. He quickly hopped backwards, dodging a cruel blade, and sent the creature's soul back to hell. A blade to his left, the guard on his forearm deflected. The shaft of his pike shattered a revenant's throat, and in a 360 spin in the opposite direction, no more than a blink, he lopped off the impure skull. 

The numbers of their foes fallen to a bare handful, our secondary heroes put them down with fang, blade, claw and magic. 

Mike turned to Concept. "Now, what's this about danger?"

The two non humans just stared at him, causing a shrug. "Hell with this, I'm getting drunk."  
  


Vorador's mansion.  
  


Raziel stalked the corridors. Kain was gone, great. Vorador called a meeting and the oh so great Pillar of Balance went on an escapade. It did remind him of his youth, which in turn reminded him of his... previous endowment. Man did he miss his... man, I suppose would be a proper way to put it. Well, at one point he was a fan f the ladies, now he was a fan of Sponge Bob Square Pants. His centuries in the abyss damaged more than his figure and stature, not that he was very tall to begin with. Highest Lieutenant of Kain, shortest vampire in Nosgoth. Only second to Zephon by an inch (being 5"7 sucks balls) earned him teasing even by Melchiah, who would then be searching for his scattered body parts. Raziel was not one to mock.

He reached the conference room aka the war room aka the love pad (more notoriously called this when Vorador was without guests) and opened the door. A sight more foul then his father's game of strip poker of Dumah streaking came to him. A game of strip poker between the Sarafan Lord (our beloved Jimmy Bob) and Vorador. It appeared the 'mighty' Hylden General hadn't found his way out after being damned to the mansion he currently occupied four centuries from them, to five centuries prior. Messed, nay? Eh? No? Ja? Wait, that last one's wrong. I suck at any non English/French languages. Well I suck at French too. They glanced at him, and he stared, wide socketed. Heheh, poor blue guy. Vorador was winning by a good deal, and seeing more of that green headed wrinkled body wasn't his idea of pleasant. Maybe for Zephon, who would have instantly proposed to the beautifully carved chair he sat upon, but that's a rather disturbing story. 

"Raziel, come, come. Did you manage to find Kain?" Vorador seemed nonchalant about the situation. Of course, due to the alterations in time, he actually lived with him for centuries. Now THAT would be the original odd couple. 

"I have only two things to say in response to this. First- no, I don not. Second- arg, cast me back into the abyss I have seen the very image of disgust!!" 

"So you didn't find him?"

Raziel was having what appeared to be a panic attack. Mortanius entered the room, having heard the cries, took a look at Raz, Vorador then the Sarafan Lord. "Well, it's better that seeing your green ass nude."

Jimmy Bob decided to actually speak. "No either, Necromancer?"

The ancient Death Pillar shrugged. "Nothing interesting, just a crushed pen and the clear absence of all his gear, except this." He held up a pentalich of tarot. "Maybe you could swap the cards for these?"

Vorador was unmoved. "Don't see why not. Let us give it a try."

After about five seconds, the every member of the LoK dream team present was sprawled out on the floor. Morty managed to sit up, a large burn in his side. "I think my latin's a bit rusty. Manus Celer Dei!" And with that, they all remained down for quite a while. Let's see what going on outside.  
  


Vorador's courtyard  
  


The Ward of the Nine, proud Paladin and all around super hero (yeah, right) Malek patrolled the courtyard. Some things never changed, like his being eternally on guard and loyal to whoever gave him a place to sleep. In this case, it was Vorador. He had 'overheard' some of Vorador's brides talking about the missing Kain while 'protecting' the window outside their room heavily. Very, very heavily if at all possible. Sick, even while a suit of rune encrusted armor. And some people think that RAZ led the Sarafan, heh. He heard a bush rustling off to the very center of the courtyard. He did his best to seak over unheard, and threw out the occupant. It was the vampire Faustus. "What the hell?"

His brethren, Marcus and Sebastian, jumped him from the very same shrubbery. He was dragged down by the three also three century and a half vampires. They stood ever him as he collapsed into his various pieces. It was a good self defence method if his foes knew not of his ability to reassemble himself. 

Sebastian spoke in his usual, annoying as hell voice. "So, the mighty slayer of vampires has become no more than a scrap pile. Oh, the shame of -"

He couldn't finish the sentence however, Malek gripped his throat with centuries attuned telekinetic powers. The Paladin reassembled himself with no haste, the two not being choked assailants stepping back in surprise. It became obvious that this would entail a fight. Heheheh... The embodiment of Conflict used the powers of his mind to send his shrill voiced opponent into the air, then leapt after him. He paused in midair and bashed the big S down with such force he bounced back up, one, twice, thrice and finished with a stout blow from his pole arm. He landed perfectly, no worries in his mind. These three were far from reaching his level, their sire the only person in Nosgoth to have bested him.

Marcus pressed his hands to his temples, focusing the powers of his mind to project into Malek. No effect. The defiant spirit glanced over at him and patted his own head. "No mind." In a movement so quick he left an after image he had reached and batted away the master of manipulating minds into one of the more shadowy corners of the massive courtyard. Faustus threw himself at the armour man feet first, succeeding in landing the blow. The massive pressure forced onto the breastplate drove him back half a dozen feet, digging up soil in his wake. Amused, the Sarafan performed the same technique, with far more effect. He felt bone snapping beneath his feet/boots as he drove the fledgling back. S-boy made a second pass at him, dashing paths around and past him. His gift of speed was a useful one indeed, but Malek had a gift far greater. He fazed away and reappeared directly before Sebastian, the might in which he attacked was amplified by the vampires momentum, the effect being the speedster swatted away and split open at once.   
  


Claws scraped off of his armour and a powerful kick landed across the back of his helm. He lost his balance and fell forward, saving himself with an uber cool hand spring somersault combo and landed facing the attacker. Nothing. Marcus' voice mocked him. "You'll never catch me." Malek got the swift idea to extend his arm. An invisible enemy who had been running circles around him was clotheslined, then impaled as he drove his pike straight down, quite literally through the slowly appearing foe, gagging and choking on his blood. His experience in hunting vampires gave the wound an A+, being fatal, and he stepped on Marcus, dragging out his blade.

A crackle of magical energy dispersed over his armour, forcing him to the ground. An attack no BO2 vampire could ever perform. He rose to his feet, his stance defensive. Standing before him was the Time Streamer, Moebius. "Look at you, a pawn believing he can defy the will of fate. Such a sad moment to be a Guardian."

A swarm of bats flew over the mansion, and Malek grinned inwardly. "You aren't foolish enough to attack me alone. Let's see your pawn." He formed a ball of energy before himself, and struck it with his blade. It shattered, dozens of small fragments of energy were sent towards the old git. In reprisal, he scooped up dirt and threw it in the bath of the lethal attack. The dirt changed into hard steel, taking the attacks punishment and leaving the oldest member of the loyal Circle untouched. He knew now the foe who aided the old fool, and detected an attack. Magical energy crushed the firmament upon which he had just stood. He landed a few paces away, facing the Alchemist, Anarcrothe. "Here you are." Knowing it to be difficult to attack Moebius while defended, he rushed the alchemist. His blade crumbled away in his... absence of hands the instant it touched Anarcrothe. The disfigured fool threw back his head and laugh. Malek threw his forearm into his neck. Guess which one was laughing next? 

His magically imbued armour was beyond the effect of petty Alchemy, and quickly put the poor fruit to rest. Then a miracle happened, he began to change, having absorbed the power of states. He became, human! "Sweet!! After I kill you I'm taking my 'man' for a walk." Disturbing. 

Moebius was... slightly intrigued for about a moment, then he glanced down at his chest, a blood devouring blade piercing it. It was no mere swarm of bats that flew by overhead. It was Kain. Didn't see that coming did you. "Damn, at least I saw it coming last time..." 

Malek took off his helmet and grinned at Kain. "I was wondering when you were going to get involved."

"Soon enough." Kain shoved the old git, now drained of blood, off his blade, and welcomed the powers of time. He aged, grew in strength and became Elder Kain, the man! 

At that precise moment, Razzy boy leapt into the courtyard, looking for some action. "Hey, what the hell happened here?" And at that precise moment, which is one after Raz, Bane ran in from the other side. 

"Sorry guys, that eggplant went through me like... oh crap."

Raz dashed to him quickly and clasped him around his throat. "Crap is right, booong!" Then he ran the Reaver through Bane and absorbed the powers of Nature. He grew a plant on his head. Wow. "What the hell!?"

"Nice plant."

"And I thought you looked like and idiot before."

Raz glared at the two who spoke. Faustus and Sepastian, crawling on the ground. His eyes glowed violently, and he brought the wraith blade up.  
  


TO BE CONTINUED

ps. The name of the plant is Herbert.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. ASSAULT!

Disclaimer: Guess who owns all the contents of this story? That's right, CD and Eidos.  
  
Legacy of Kain: Not as Defiant as I Hoped...  
  
The Assault (good name, no?)  
  
________________________________________  
  
As the title implies, our heroic and somewhat lecherous heros have decided to make an assault on CATF, tired of the continued raids on Vorador's beloved mansion. Who doesn't like it? Well, anyone playing Defiance for the first time through. Regardless, they intend to make an attempt at taking the high class Hotel named home to the Coalition Against This Fic. Sarafan patrolled the grounds ceaselessly, and Dumahim just wandered around in general, glancing behind themselves every once in a while. Man that was annoying.   
  
A swarm of bats flocked around the roof of the edifice, and became one ugly as this author's ass Vampire with long white hair and a legendary blade. Yup, it's Kain. A dark crimson mist condensed from the shadows to take on the form of his old man, the mighty Necromancer Mortanius. Man that guy's cool. 'Check and mate.' Love that line. They kept to the shadows and made their way to skylight, peering into the buildings well furnished interior. My english is getting better and better. It was a sight worse than disco hell, it was the era of '96.   
  
Both ancient men stared down wide eyed as several Sarafan bobbed their heads and danced to... Ace of Bass!!!  
  
"So, there is no god." The Pillar of Death commented. They had two options, continue with the plan and scope out the defences of their fated enemies, or kill the satanic music being emmited and blow the whole operation. A no brainer..   
  
Several anti-vampire men and vampires froze with surprise when glass rained around them, followed by old allies and enemies. Kain released the power of electricity and laughed darkly as the boom box performed one final boom (making the Sarafan holding look like his face was a forest fire that someone tried to put out with a screw driver (hey, it's Melchiah!) and failed) and scythed through the well armoured men. From their destroyed forms Morty raised new minions, and set them on their former brethren. Then noticed that the chilli Malek made earlier that night wasn't sitting right and ran off to the washroom. Kain pulled up a seat and grabbed a crab cake, taking a bite out of it. The night was going well.   
  
"Missed that sign, didn't you?"  
  
*TOP FLOOR*  
  
The most evil of all cowards to have ever existed, or lose their testicles repeatedly was wailing like a little girl. The CATF had dumped % for being an annoying little sissy who was in the one dramatic moment in this fic. Heretic they clamed. Well, I did anyways. He knew that his enemies were coming, and did the only thing he could think off. He put a rubber band around the doorknob. At least he would be safe... or so the prick thought. The door was thrown off it's hinges.   
  
Kain stepped through the threshold, calm as always.  
  
"You idiot! Their's a rubber band around that knob! That means it's 'occupied'!" he shouted.  
  
A chuckle was his first response. "What's this, had the surgery proper to make use of Moebius' little snip-snip? Hmm, I don't seem to see an actual man around."   
  
%, being a little sissy, broke down again. "I have to pay for that you know! It's bad enough they left me."   
  
Kain quirked an eye ridge. Like he has a brow, his face is as bald as Vorador's. "They got tired of you too? Talk, where are they... and why was the lobby crawling with their men?"  
  
"My answer is not for you."  
  
The Reaver was centimetres from his nose in an instant. "Let me get this straight. You have an answer for that, but you won't tell me?"  
  
"I never read the note."  
  
Said note was on the bed, cried on and used as a tissue. He was tempted with what was within, or, on the other hand, EW! In the end, he did the only rational thing. He grabbed the symbol named flamer and forced his face into it, suffocating him. "Read it goddammit, just bleeding read it!"  
  
"Alright! Damn, trying to kill me." He, or rather it, massaged it's neck, and opened the envelope.   
  
"Screw you, you pussy. Me and the guys decided we'd rather make an attack on the author boys in our Stronghold then live with you. We've left you a crapload of soft rock loving fruits to give you the idea of being important, I hope you break down and have Kain wail on you while you cry like the little girl you are. If you find my ring, mail it to me. Love, the Vampire Dumah. PS, you suck the organs you lack."  
  
The title character was doubled over laughing, especially since he second guessed his reaction perfectly. What a way to get told, in front of his hated author's attempt at Kain. Even Ariel was laughing her non existent ass of, her voice on the wind.  
  
"Ouch." And the bawling continued.   
  
At that precise moment, good old Mortanius staggered into the room, clutching his stomach in agony. Kain was at his side in an instant. "Bastards got you?"  
  
"No, Malek's rectum flaming chilli."   
  
"Ah. Good thing I passed up on that."  
  
"Raziel didn't."  
  
"Raz actual managed to eat it? Man, I'm more impressed than I was when I saw the difference between BO2 and Defiance Vorador."  
  
"What are you guys talking about?"  
  
The two glanced at the little outcast who dared interrupt them. He smiled and shifted nervously. Then a blast of TK sent him through the window. Kain strode over the shattered property the screaming to be carcass was cast through. "I'll send the bill to the inheritor of your estate."  
  
  
  
***VORADOR's PIMP SHACK(the mansion)***  
  
  
  
The Champion of the Vampire race, proud and regal since Blood Omen, but before and after the sequel, was musing over the catatonic 'Messiah' sprawled across his table, who had the brilliant idea of shoving a strainer down his throat and pouring a bowl of rather spicy chilli down his soul conduit hole. In the end, Raziel had poisoned his body and turned his symbiotic plant Herbert a sickening shade of putrid brown. He still twitched every once in a while.   
  
A loud shriek, feminine, snapped him to action, his hand at the hilt of his bone sword and his... him in front of the door that led to the adjacent hallway. Like a bat out of hell, the Paladin Malek zipped through the room, stark nude. Vorador stood perfectly still for an instant, then buried his forehead in his palm and sighed. Malek streaking again. He clearly forgot one thing.   
  
The mightiest of humans hopped back into the room, struggling t get a pair of jeans on in a very out of character way. I won't go into detail. "I might have forgotten that I have my body again."  
  
"No doubt."   
  
And in the most random of possible times, Raziel sat up, Herbert straightening as well. "What the hell was that?" He noticed Malek zipping his pants up, and Vorador facing the other way. "I'm so glad I missed what I'm sure just happened."  
  
The only human in the house frowned. "Are you insane? Intoxicated? You'd think, for an instant... I'd go down on that sac of green crap?!?"   
  
The oldest living member of that race in the era frowned as well. "One hell of an out of character moment. You just went streaking through my brides quarters you damn fool!"   
  
Raziel was highly insulted. "I'm not high! Last time I was there was a slight accident with the abyss. Contrary to popular belief, marijuana doesn't let you shrug off having your three best friends burnt off."  
  
The youngest (or second oldest, if you take out Raz's dead millenium) was a) pissed, and b) doubtful. "I wasn't streaking! I was... inspecting their safety. And you- are you sure that isn't an illegal drug of some kind?"  
  
All three of them stopped dead and looked to Razzy's head. Well, Razzy tried, being the natural moron he is. "I can't see it."   
  
Malek spoke up once again. "Well, as a Temuera Morrison look alike once again, I throw in my opinion. Let's smack him upside his head."  
  
White/yellow eyes flared. "I think not. I may be an idiot at time, but... what's with the laughing?"  
  
The two others were giggling under the impressions of having asthma attacks. Well, in that situation you can either fake and attack of some type, or insult the far more important character.  
  
"Anyway, it is NOT weed."  
  
While they let that conversation absorb into their brains, a loud crack and a cry of pain came from the direction of the roof. The ones that could displace themselves through space in an instant (teleport) did so. The ones... er, one who could not, was rather ticked.  
  
Raziel bolted for the staircase. "God Dammit!"   
  
He threw open a door, and leapt onto a wall, kicking off it and landing the floor above. He dove through a window, shattering the brittle glass and reaching the darkness of the Black Forest's mid of the night. One inhumanly skilful backflip brought him to the roof. Impressed with his entrance (aren't all of us? I am) he turned to face the other four main members of the LoK Dream Team... who teleported to the warm interior of the Mansion. He collapsed to his knees and slammed his knuckle off the roof.   
  
"Why must you torture me God... WHY!?"  
  
The ever ethereal voice of the Elder responded. "Because I hate you."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
***  
  
  
  
The cold silence did not last long as... cries of victory erupted from CATF, Sarafan and King Kong. The Dumahim kind of wandered around again.   
  
DeJoule was particularly pleased with the work done. "At last... Mike and Ryan are dead! Now they can never torture me in Chibi Kain!"  
  
More whoops of joy came from that remark.  
  
The Vampire Lord Dumah stormed in, angry as could be. "Can't find that damn ring!"   
  
The Sarafan Dumah spoke in turn. "Who the hell cares? We whacked the authors!!"  
  
The vampire was sceptical.  
  
"You murdered authors? They should never inserted themselves on level with us." He Stepped over to their severed heads. "WHAT THE -censored for a sustained period of time- ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?"   
  
They all stared on. Except Janos.  
  
"I KNEW they looked different."  
  
The Lieutenant continued with his tirade. "Morons! Those aren't the authors!"  
  
Azimuth looked down at them again. "Must be. Fat with a beard... thinner than his friend with messy hair. Who else could it be?"  
  
They all stared down once more... on the corpses of Jay and Silent Bob.  
  
***  
  
Back with the beloved characters and their comic ramblings.  
  
All five sit around a table. Totally silent. Guessed I messed the introduction up, eh? The three nod. Raziel has a pot put around Herbert, and is adding fertilizing sticks. Best to keep healthy, I suppose. Vorador picks an object up from under the table and places it before him. A CD player. He puts in Metallica's Garage CD and skips ahead a few songs. The dramatic and beautiful 'Turn the Page' plays. He cranks it.   
  
The clock on the far wall strikes one AM. In the position a bird should be occupying an abomination comes out. A miniature Vorador, drunk and violent is beside a small plastic woman, bent over. His arm falls to her buttocks and slaps it. She scrams. It repeats, then retracts. The group hands in their drawings to Vorador and glare at him. He shifts through them, noting the cartoon like pictures one or two through in. He speaks up.  
  
"Our options are to storm the Sarafan... storm the Sarafan with a nice drawing... molest my brides or storm the Sarafan with a fully coloured map and strategic week points of the general area." He tears the map in half and throws it in a well placed garbage can.  
  
Raziel slams his head off the table. "Damn!"  
  
The green vampire makes his choice. "We storm the Sarafan."  
  
Malek slams his head off the table. "Damn!"  
  
Mortanius raises his hand. Vorador points to him. "Why aren't we using the map?"  
  
"Malek, field that one."  
  
"Bite me."  
  
"Kain."  
  
The latter crossed his broad arms. "Fate favours the bold... and we won't have to study anything."  
  
The group nods enthusiastically at that last comment.  
  
"Any general targets?"  
  
The group threw in several names. 'The blue bastard, Azimuth, winged prick, DeJoule, Audron, the Sarafan inquisitors, dammit vampire pay attention to me, King Kong, I hate you so badly, to name only a few.   
  
"Then the plan is already in motion. Muahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"  
  
Malek and Raziel shared worried glances.  
  
***  
  
A scantily clad woman with odd markings on her face knocks on the massive wooden doors, the words 'Piss off, we like our religion' scrawled on them. She had canoed over the lake to reach it. Voices came from within.   
  
"Azimuth."  
  
"It appears to b a half nude young woman."  
  
"Door, open. Now."  
  
The massive wooden doors opened on themselves. A bald woman an a large, armored vampire with dread locks awaited nearby. If you couldn't guess, it be Azimuth and Dumah. King Kong sticks his head around the corner and throws a peeled banana at her.   
  
Dumah spoke up. "Pleasant to meet you miss. Looks like the number of gorgeous women in the house went up. Are you ever stacked." The last comment simply popped out of his mouth while she stretched to crack her back.   
  
"Thank you... mostly."  
  
"A 'Screw you' would be the remainder of your feelings?"  
  
"Precisely. My name is Umah, and I am here to help you."  
  
"Help me how... heheheh. Turel would kill me if he saw this."  
  
***  
  
A flock of bats carrying a very peeved Raziel flocked around the roof of the Stronghold. Eventually they gave up and dropped him.  
  
"Bastard..!"  
  
-CRACK-  
  
They then came to a halt above a protruding tower and formed Kain. Raziel, having landed a few feet away, got up and cracked his back. It was closer to snapping his back.   
  
"Kain? Little help?"   
  
His father took a step forward and snapped his back back into it's original position.   
  
"Thanks." Raziel, dignity returned, turned to face Malek and Vorador. Mortanius had come into existence next to Kain. They exchanged nods. They turned to the people next to them and nod. Then to the people next to the people across from them. Satisfied, they jump from shadow to shadow until they reach what appears to be a Christmas tree making out with two well armoured men.  
  
  
  
The armoured Turel pulled back to get a breath of fresh air. "This is the happiest moment of my life."  
  
Kain, who had come up behind him, felt somewhat sardonic. "I know the feeling, yet you arne't quite that big on my hit list." The Reaver came into play, which was promptly blocked. The Sarafan Zephon joined in.  
  
DeJoule saw Malek, Mortanius Vorador and Kain. Raz she did not recognize. "You four already had your chances! I'm so over yous all."  
  
The four of them turned to each other shocked, then gave a simultaneous high twenty. Plenty of 'You the man!' followed.  
  
Zephon and Turel got slightly... en freaking furiated at that comment. They moved to attack. Like a shadow chasing light, a wide bladed halberd struck out. The two managed to jump back in time. Or so it appeared. Their now useless armour fell to the ground in two large portions.  
  
"Damn..!"  
  
"The boss is with them?"  
  
Malek, said boss, stepped forward. "At least you've been keeping busy. Picked the losing side, granted, but busy nonetheless. Alright, let's see what the two of you managed to pick up. Take care of the lady, I'm dealing with these proteges of mine."  
  
Dejoule blew a kiss and flew hovered off. Every man except Raziel pretended to grab it from midair. They all glared at each other. After a quick session of nodding, Mortanius and Vorador went after her, the other two dropping into the dark interior of the CATF's newly acquired base.   
  
Zephon strafed along to the left, Turel to the right. Their weapons before them att al times. Malek had not moved during the dispute, and allowed them to flank him. They both struck, wide left to right arcs, high and low. Time slowed and a well built man in purple chain mail and a breast plate performed a beautiful back flip. They struck again. He planted his polearm into the ground and deflected both blades. He them used it for leverage to kick off the ground and plant both feet in Turel's chest.   
  
He took full advantage of Turel's incapacitated state and charged Zephon. He rained blow after blow until a feint, then reversed the direction of the strike and sent the blade into midair. Zephon was cut down. Malek stepped aside, throwing a cold glance a Turel, marking him as next. The smaller man got to his feet and walked forward in a slow yet steady pace, completely confident in himself. Energy crackled to life around Malek's fingers. He formed it into a ball and lobbed it at Turel, dashing with it.   
  
Turel brought up his pike to defend. The magic dispersed against the varnished wood of his weapon, and he was unable to defend himself against his former General. The long, thick blade passed through his arm and a half foot of his torso. He fell back with the blood flow, coughing up more. He then died.   
  
"You keep getting better at these."  
  
You too my friend, enjoy your stay.  
  
"Stay?"  
  
***  
  
Vorador crashed into the wall rather hard, his best robe singed and darkened. And she made a comment about his chin-spikes. There was blood to be spilt. Mortanuis ended up next to him, in no better shape. He glanced up at the ancient Vampire.  
  
"Suggestions, anyone?"  
  
"Get her attention." With that he darted off around her, streams of electricity.   
  
She, being DeJoule, had gotten nude for the occasion. A glowing and incredibly beautiful sight, just lightens your day. Right before she shocks the crap out of you.   
  
Morty had only one idea. He stepped forward and whistled to get her attention. She glanced over. "Hey, I gave myself a nice shave recently." With that having been said, he pulled up his robe and dropped his pants. She faltered. Unfortunately, so did Vorador.  
  
"Damn, eyes!"   
  
"Nice." She commented.   
  
Vorador got up and attached a rubber band around her neck. It cut off the electrical circuit to her brain, and she dropped like a rock.   
  
"Brilliant plan."  
  
"Shut up and pull pull your pants up.  
  
***  
  
Deep withing the heart of the Stronghold, Kain and Raziel dod away with the last of the wandering Dumahim. They approached the next door. Kain grabbed the know. The wall collapsed inward, raining down debris. Kain, sighing, dropped the entire door. The two of them looked up... King Kong and Janos Audron (riding his shoulder).  
  
They looked down at them, grinning maliciously, preparing for a fight.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
AHAHAHAHA!!! Cliff hanger. Great news, eh? Glad to see me alive? I am.  
  
R/R if you would be so kind. Oh, if you remember how many enemies are left, mix and match for a fight between the teams. I'd like to see (and steal) your picks. 


	8. Raping Reality

This is it, folks, the last chapter of 'Not as Defiant As I Hoped'. Many characters die and streaking is inevitable. I hope. Well, on the other hand...  
  
Oh, I read a cool interview a while back with Chris Bruno. Said that Vorador is at least as physically strong as any of the deformed lieutenants. That's crazy. Vorador whooping Dumah would be right funny. This chap is mostly serious, just devoid of plot. There are funny moments, and a few good fights. Well, the one. I had to 'weaken' Vorador for it.   
  
Apologies to anyone who likes any of the characters herein. Bad things happen to many characters. Raziel especially. Not even in the sake of humour. Good thing he can shift to heal, eh?  
  
Legacy of Kain: Not As Defiant As I Hoped

* * *

Kain and his oldest 'son' stared up in disbelief. There was a monkey with the height of a building in the Stronghold. How in the hell did they get King Kong in the building without him grabbing DeJoule and climbing the tower? Snapping out of their daze, the duo drew their blades. Well, drawing his blade was somewhat more complicated for Raziel. He more or less willed his variant of the Reaver into existence. Regardless, weapons were at ready.  
  
Grinning malignantly, Janos spoke. "Here we are, at last. For it is I, the Lord of the Hylden race before you now as so many times before. And once again, I have drawn you to your apparently inevitable doom. For you see, the taking of %, the rift in time that led to my duel with Audron whom I now possess, and my playing my way into your ranks... all led to this moment." He bellowed laughter at the two.  
  
The two allowed that information to soak into their brains. A question formed in Kain's mind, one he had been meaning to ask since their very first meeting at the Pillars. "But, why?" he asked.  
  
The laughter was cut short. "Being trapped for aeons in a demonic dimension allows for many a cruel plan to be formed. As I underwent terrible torture, I could think of nothing better than annoying you."  
  
Kain laughed in response. "Such a petty existence. This is the result of an eternity of torture? Attempting to bother us? Pathetic."  
  
His son spoke up as well. "Well, Kain's comment aside, I see the effort you put in to your revenge. I am truly impressed... even if the execution of your plans was a bit... dare I say... craptacular?"  
  
A powerful forearm sent him sprawling. "Don't be making a fool of me, boy."   
  
King Kong roared ferociously and sent a fist towards Kain. The Scion leapt away, bringing his shining blade in a wide arc as he did so, severing massive fist from muscled arm. He landed a few metres away, launching condensed space at the beast's legs, forcing it to it's back. It's possessed passenger took to the air. Kain pounced in the fallen mutation and finished it with a series of violent attacks to the chest.   
  
The Hylden Lord dove at Kain, sending him crashing to the marble floor. He began to rise higher. His efforts were impeded by Raziel, who managed to grab hold of his wings.   
  
"Let go, damn you!" he cursed.  
  
"I can't! I'm afraid of hights!" Raizel shouted back. Ironic, is it not, how he evolved a pair of wings and yet continued to have a deep-rooted fear of heights? He looked down, and saw just how high up he was. Really freaking high. He shouted girlishly and began to climb up the Ancient's back.  
  
"Hey, stop that! Oh, shit!" he exclaimed, before losing total control of his flight path. He flew, in a horrible zigzag pattern, for the main gates. The main gates were half submerged in water as always. "I'm going to crash!!"  
  
And crash he did. He deflected away from the doors, straight into the canal. As did Raziel. They parted with a resounding splash, Raziel skipping on the water's surface like a stone, until he hit a wall made out of it. He slid down the length of it, stunned and only half conscious. Kain came running to his side, promptly dropping to one knee. He shook the blue deformity senseless, shouting at him all the while.  
  
"My God, are you alright? Wake up! Hey, don't toy with me! Please wake up! You're too young to die! Breathe damn you, breathe!"  
  
He continued shaking him back and forth, continually cracking his head off the wall. He stopped and looked into his sons glowing excuses for eyes. They were, at this point, swirls of white and yellow. Spinning swirls. Kain released his arms, and allowed Raziel to fall off to his side. His pet/symbiotic plant perked up suddenly. He snapped up, cracked his neck, and looked around. "Where's Janos?" he asked, dumbfounded.   
  
His father glanced over his shoulder to the bubbling water's surface. A few black feathers floated there. "About that..."

**Meanwhile...**

Vorador dropped down from the ceiling, totally silent, and dashed to the end of the long hallway. He pressed his body up against the wall and glanced over the corner. No one. He looked back to the roof and signalled Mortanius. The Necromancer jumped down from the skylight, hitting the ground with a resonating crash. Vorador sighed and waited as his comrade limped towards him. As he neared him, he dove around the corner and crouched next to the door. He gently opened it a crack and surveyed the interior. Nothing. He got up, entered the room, keeping to the shadows, and made his way to the next door.  
  
He calmly pressed his ear to the door. No sound came from the other side. He opened it and heard the faint sound of partying. He brought himself to the source of the sound, beyond the door his nose was nearly pressed against.   
  
He waited for Mortanius to catch up, and opened the door a crack. They looked in. Two very inebriated Sarafan, Dumah and Melchiah, were cheering on the Vampire Dumah, who was currently losing in an arm wrestling match to Umah, who had a bottle of beer in hand. She brought it to her mouth for another drink, then easily forced the much larger Vampire's arm to the table.   
  
Vorador glanced at Mortanius, who's look was as sceptical as his own. He drew his bone sword and prepared to rush in.  
  
"Hey guys!" a cheery Malek shouted from behind them.   
  
They froze, as did everyone in the other room. As one, Vorador and Mortanius turned to him with wide eyed expressions on their faces.  
  
"Who's there?!" Dumah, the Vampire, shouted in a semi drunken state.  
  
A single compound word escaped Vorador's lips. "Dumbass."  
  
The door who's nob he had been holding onto was literally torn from it's hinges. Vorador looked up into the face of Dumah. Umah walked next to his, disbelieving. "Daddy?" she asked. "What the hell are you doing here?"   
  
He could think of only one thing. "... whoo, party?"  
  
**A matter of minutes later...  
**  
Vorador held a funnel to his mouth as several beers were poured into. Malek and his former brothers at arms were chanting 'chug' as he did so. They pulled away the empty cans and Vorador tossed the funnel aside. "WHOO!!" He shouted enthusiastically.   
  
The rest of the group did so as well. At this point, they were all drunk out of their minds. Malek, Dumah (human) and Melchiah threw their arms over one another's shoulders, singing 'Let's Get this Party Started' horribly off tune.  
  
Mortanius was making out with Azimuth heavily, no longer sitting on a couch that hadn't been there during his last visit to the Stronghold. Not that he hadn't noticed. He was a bit... occupied. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't a place he'd like to be when Kain and Raziel decided to show up. They did.  
  
They walked in from what was once a doorway, now simply a hole in the wall. They took a glance around, shrugged, and cleared their throats. Malek and Vorador noticed immediately, straightening up. Malek, assessing his situation quickly, took action. His arms were over Melchiah and Dumah's shoulders. He grabbed their chins and snapped their necks.   
  
Vorador leapt up and brought his weapon over the Vampire Dumah's head. It split down the middle. The sword that is. Vorador, wide eyed, looked the shattered blade. Then to Dumah. He gulped down saliva, his mouth suddenly dry. He managed a cheezy grin before being slammed into a wall with crushing force. The massive armoured arm withdrew, allowing the green man to fall.  
  
Raziel was on him like shit on velcro. He dove, Reaver flashing, and was swatted away. Kain charged next. His Reaver was blocked by Dumah's forearm. He let himself fall to the left to avoid losing his head and landed on his extended hand. He kicked the back of his third son's knees. Malek drop kicked him off a conveniently placed table, knocking him over.   
  
Doing this got Mortanius' attention, who jumped off Azimuth and began to choke her. She retaliated by kicking him in the groin. He dropped to his knees.  
  
"My men..!" he squealed.   
  
She stormed past him, towards the other members of his team. She began to summon demons. Seeing the serious downside to this, the Necromancer sent a bolt of thunder at her. It pierced her in the mid section. She collapsed. He rose to his feet, staggered, then managed to get balanced. He rose Azimuth as the undead and sent her against Dumah.   
  
She clawed and bit at his limbs. He crushed her skull in one fell swing. He took up her twice dead corpse and launched it full might at Mortanius. They slammed into the wall, broken and bleeding.  
  
Umah looked around, thought about it, and ran for the door. Kain saw this. He took one last halfassed swing at Dumah and went after her.   
  
Malek and Raziel fought savagely, struggling to even affect their foe. Dumah feigned a blow and managed to grab Malek. He walked him to the window and threw him out. He turned and took a magical attack to the chest. Vorador stood across from him with his arm extended.  
  
Dumah spoke up. "You know, I never actually had anything against you. I was just really bored. But, then again, dad is an asshole."  
  
"Amen." that smart comment came from Raziel. Vorador smacked him over the head.   
  
"Don't be getting smart with us, boy."  
  
The largest Vampire took the moment to bend down and slam his fist into the floor beneath them. Marble slabs shattered as the shockwave followed through the ground, knocking the two pseudo 'good guys' onto their backs. Dumah leapt up into the air, coming towards the two boots first. They glanced at each other and rolled away, then thrown into the air as he landed. They lunged from opposite sides, slashing and clawing viciously.   
  
He turned his back on the unarmed Vorador and caught his brother by the arm. He stared into his brothers eyes, his unmasked face lit up with a dark smile. The bloodied Champion of Vampires continued on his back, sending sparks into the air. A heavy clothesline took him down. Raziel, capable of using only one arm, sent a wave of TK into his face. To no effect. Dumah turned his full attention back to him. He glared back, and burst with frantic fury, clawing and kicking at random. He stopped suddenly, his younger brother applying pressure to his arm at an awkward angle. He slowly dropped to his knee, forcing back.   
  
A loud snapping sound entered the room, and Raziel shouted in agony. His arm was snapped in half. He was raised in the air by the damaged limb, to Dumah's eye height. They stared at one another. Dumah's other arm came around, severing's Raziel's at the elbow. He fell to the ground, collapsing to his knees in agony, bent over to the point that his forehead was on the floor. A massive, cloven foot placed itself on his head. Dark, rumbling laughter echoed through the room.  
  
Vorador, hands clenched together, leapt up, brining both arms to the side of Dumah's head. The impact forced him back, as he was only on one leg. The first human to become a vampire grabbed his fallen companion by the hair and tossed him back down the hall they had come from, away from immediate danger. He turned back to the task at hand. He was huge. Over ten feet tall, hundreds of pounds of sheer muscle, armoured to the point of near impenetrability. He threw his head back in deep laughter. His dread locks bounced about.   
  
"I'll bathe you in your own blood!" he shouted, enraged.  
  
"Try your best to make me kneel before you, arrogant Prince."  
  
The green vampire leapt back, bringing both hands forward. Telekinetic spheres shot towards Dumah. No effect. He grimaced and pulled forward into his mind a spell. Energy bolts ripped through air, connecting solidly with the titan, forcing him back. He charged, crying out. His razor talons cut to the bone, splitting his unarmoured throat open. He swung a second time, which was promptly dodged. The Vampire lieutenant retaliated, brining one mammoth arm down. Vorador caught it with both hands, straining to hold his might back. He was lowered to his knees, the tiles under him cracking from the applied pressure.   
  
"Grovel before me." A second arm swung towards him, aimed to take his head.   
  
He rolled away, then leapt to his feet. A foot larger than his head threw him away like garbage. He connected with the wall, dropping down to one knee, disoriented. He focussed, and realized Dumah was within striking range. He teleported ahead a few feet, to behind Dumah. The general area he had occupied a moment before. He turned, rasing one arm into the air, and used his knowledge of arcane magic to form dark flames. He brought that arm forward and clasped the flame with the other, not affected by the heat. He pulled it away, the flame stretching as far as his hand moved. The flame formed a sword. Vorador's long fangs glistened in it's light as he grinned wickedly.  
  
"Burn."  
  
He charged him yet again, attacking head on with his flaming blade. With each blow, flames erupted and curled. Vorador was forcing him back. The crimson teeth of the blade was caught by the immense Vampire's forearms time and again. A blow passed by his limbs once, straight into his chest. The flames boiled the spilt blood on his armour. It did no damage. The green Vampire's arms were caught, and he was lifted off his feet.   
  
The larger Vampire started to pull, attempting to tear his arms from their sockets. He strained against. In a sudden act, Dumah brought his head down, connecting his helmet with Vorador's unprotected head. Stunned, the older Vampire dropped his 'blade'. This opportunity was milked. Heavy blows rained down on Vorador, tearing his robe open and shattering ribs. The Lieutenant picked him up by the tattered robe. He strode over to the wall and brought him against it with crushing force. The wall behind his green body cracked and shattered. He slid down, senseless and wounded.   
  
"I've been wanting to do that since Blood Omen. Who the hell gets that much tang, really?" Dumah commented, dry.  
  
The hulking vampire noticed a change in the air. The corpses were giving off an odd odour. He glanced over at Melchiah's prone form. Something was leaving his body. Oddly blue, almost shaped like his body. One by one, the souls of the dead left their bodies. He turned slowly, gazing back to the destroyed doorway. Raziel stood there, forcing his own weight to remain standing.   
  
"You're really hard to kill, you know that?"  
  
"Oh, and you're a bloody walk in the park aren't you?"  
  
Raziel brought his only arm up to his cown, and removed it from his face. He drew in the souls of all the dead. Guardian and Sarafan alike empowered him. His arm formed from the stub remaining. The Soul Reaver came into existence, blazing with fury. He charge, slid down onto his knee and thrusted.   
  
Dumah looked down... into the Reaver blade piercing his stomach. The blade began to pull, tearing his soul into it's essence. He laughed, dark and insane and he was consumed by his brothers demented soul.   
  
**In another part of the Stronghold...  
**  
Umah came to a halt, and turned. Kain came jogging around the corner, Reaver in hand. She looked around for an exit. A mad dash down the hall or through Kain. No good, either way. "You know, we _don't_ have to do this." she chided.  
  
Kain grinned and came closer. "Oh, we do. I've been wanting to do this for a long time."  
  
"Uh, Kain?"  
  
"Yes?" he asked, mock innocent.   
  
"Why are you taking your pants off?"   
  
Malek sat up. He landed outside the Stronghold in general. His body was sore, his ass no exception. He got up, stiff. He looked about. No one in sight. He bent down to touch his toes. Nothing was broken. He looked up. One hell of a fall.   
  
He started walking to the front door. He found someone banging on the doors, standing in a canoe. Someone in red armour.   
  
"Open the damn doors! I took a leak and got locked out!" the Sarafan Raziel shouted.   
  
Malek, holding in laughter, walked to the water's edge. "Hey, I think you left the key up your ass!" he shouted.  
  
His former underling glanced over at him. "Really? Cool." He reached down into his... pants to... feel around. Eventually he gets it. Not the key, the joke. "HEY! That's not funny! Who the hell do you think you– oh, shit! Hey boss! Heheheheh..." the nervous laughter carried on for a while.  
  
Malek took his helmet off and put it on the ground. He used it as a seat. "You know, you never did accomplish much."  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?! I killed Janos Audron!" he bellowed back, insulted.  
  
"Well, yeah. But, then again, you had three people hold him down, and the one using the staff. Some kill."  
  
"Uh, I killed him though."  
  
"Yup, you killed him. You even instigated Vorador's revenge on the Circle."  
  
"Heheh. You failed to protect them!"  
  
The taller man rolled his eyes. "Sure. I could have used some help. Where were you? Oh, I remember. You were being killed off like flies."  
  
"Shut up! You know we were better than you!"  
  
Malek stood up and donned his helmet. "Oh yeah?! Come get some, boy!"   
  
"Take this!" With that, Raziel charged Malek. Charged him. Right off the canoe. Needless to say, he sank like a brick.  
  
The helmet was removed again. "Sure, you're pretty damn strong. Dumb as a stump though." He turned to leave, then paused. He looked around again. He turned back to the lake and took a leak.  
  
**Within the Stronghold...  
**  
Mortanius had regained consciousness. He was limping with the aid of Vorador. As a Vampire, he healed unconceivably fast. His shattered bones were healed, and his mug was as ugly as ever. Mortanius shook his head in disbelief. They managed to kill Dumah. He had more respect for them. Raziel was up and about, heading for the exit. He thought to have heard some kind of screaming earlier. He chose to forget about it.  
  
Kain strode into the room, sweaty and grinning like a shark. His hair was somewhat messed. Raziel looked him up and down. "Well, someone looks pleased." he commented.  
  
"That, I am," he replied. His composure was... over friendly. They must have missed something earlier. "Where, might I ask, is the Tin Man?"  
  
Mortanius shrugged as best he could. Raziel motioned to the window. "Turns out he couldn't fly."  
  
"With that man's luck, he's landed on a mound of manure. Alive, but humiliated."   
  
Vorador spoke up. "I remember leaving him in a similar situation."  
  
The entire group had a good laugh at that. They headed out. They met up with the 'Tin Man' at the exit. He was sitting on his helmet. He got up to greet them. "I take it we won?"  
  
"Damn right!" the blue man exclaimed happily.  
  
"Then life goes on as usual. We're getting drunk at Vorador's!"  
  
**In Vorador's Mansion...  
**  
The group was lounged out on the furniture, drunk and content. Pornography played on the big screen. Everyone was in a good mood. Save Raziel, of course, who was still indignant to not being able to drink and having no 'lower organs'.   
  
"So then I said... you call them balls?! These is balls! And I whipped 'em out! The guy was like 'holy crap, they're green!' And I said to him, I said, damn right thems are green balls! Biggest vegetables in the world!" slurred out a very inebriated Vorador.  
  
"Oh yeah? Well I spanked every woman in the Circle! Ever! Right on the butt! Man, they's got some nice soft butts..." Malek countered.   
  
"You think that's big? I'm nailing the Balance Guardian!" Kain shot out.  
  
"Dad, you are the Balance Guardian."  
  
"I know."  
  
Everyone in the room laughed at that. Beers were thrown at Kain's stupidity and more were drank. Raziel, being sober, came up with a very dark thought. "Wait a minute!" The group stopped to hear him out. Mortanius leaned in to hear him better, and rolled off the couch. "Does it not bother in the least that we just made history our bitch?"   
  
No one in the room spoke. A clock could be heard ticking in the back.  
  
"What's your point?"  
  
"Just wondering."

* * *

THE END  
  
That's the actual end, folks. Review if you would be so kind! 


	9. Review Response

Review Response  
  
First Chap  
  
%- Fuck you. If you have a problem, as I said in my second chapter; go to hell, or don't review. Criticism is more like; keep one verb time constant, or; you misspelled Termogent Forest. (I realize I misspelled it, though) And it's spelled 'stories', not stoies.  
  
Trysten- My thanks, you people (except one, and I think I know who. Fallen Angel? If not, my bad) are real awesome!  
  
i_luv_elfie_bois- Being just a little nice, I think. Thanks anyway!  
  
Dark-Sephy- Thank you, come again! I sound like Apu, huh?  
  
Concept of a Demon- Wow, you really like the way I do my characters, eh?  
  
OrpheumZero- I'll do a chap of Chibi next, then update this one. Can anyone say 'Oh my God the Sarafan Lord's magic turned Kain back into a smurf?  
  
Second Chap  
  
i_luv_elfie_bois- Wow, really nice thing to say. I shall continue with haste! And more Moe bashing. I hate that old... guy?  
  
Concept of a Demon- With haste. Wow, people (save the one jackass) really like my stuff. I'm gonna have you kill Moe in Chibi when we get there.  
  
OrpheumZero: I sure as hell hope you do! Poor blue boy...  
  
Dark-Sephy: I can't go long without writing bloodshed. I am so hella glad you like it!  
  
Flame of Corruption- What do you mean, 'crud'?  
  
Excuse the writing style of the second chapter, please.  
  
I will update when I get more!  
  
Review Response Review  
  
Concept of a Demon- Damn right!  
  
Third chapter  
  
Concept of a Demon- It's gonna happen to ANY who oppose the might of Kain, Malek, Vorador and the blue stick dude that got his balls burned off in the abyss. Oh, and thanks!   
  
Dark-Sephy- It's what I do best. Paint Kain's face. Oh, massacre fights are up there too... heheh... Oh, and yes he does. Thank you! Oh, and-- sucker! Why are you still reading? Stop it!   
  
Bahamut Epyon- Yeah! Gundam fan! You really like it? Cool! More updates a lot sooner, I promise.  
  
Mortal Sora!- Wow, review from an idol in comedy! I'm going to have to read you SR3 now, just to get even. (and because I love it)  
  
i_luv_elfie_boys- Must, kill, Moe! Are you saying that you only like it because of your own sense of humour? My heart is shattered.  
  
Fallen Angel43- Damn! Living legend. I must be getting better if I can catch your eyes! Well, yeah... odd if you don't like castration... very odd indeed.  
  
Random Reader- Let us be chums!  
  
I'll do more soon. I hope...  
  
Fourth Chapter  
  
i_luv_elfie_boys- I would fire that muse. Thanks!  
  
Random Reader- We all do. Da-yamn! Thanks1  
  
OrpheumZero- True, she just didn't do anything. I might bring her in, next chap.  
  
Dark Sephy- You know it! Still happy to see you!  
  
Concept of a Demon- Hey man! Hanging in there, you know. Damn right! On all three cases!  
  
Tom T. Thomson- Whoa, triple-T! Thanks man, I aim to please. People like you make it all worth while!  
  
FIFTH CHAPTER  
  
Angel-Chan: Good to see you're alive. Really.  
  
Mortal Sora: Hey hey, my inspiration is back!  
  
Dark Sephy- Hey, did you see the previews for the new FFVII movie? Nice to see you.  
  
Concept of a Demon:- I stole it all! AHAHAHAH!  
  
i_luv_elfie_bois- What the shit is L33T? Thanks for confusing the hell out of me.  
  
Healer Ariel: I don't appreciate being told what to do... messing with you.  
  
SIXTH CHAPTER  
  
i_luv_elfie_bois- Sweetness.  
  
Blood of Angels- Cha-ching! Thanks!  
  
Dark-Sephy- Arg. Hope you saw them by now. VINNY!!  
  
Healer Ariel- Still reading? An apology is neccessary I assume. Read my last comment to your review.  
  
Lone I.- Damn, thanks.  
  
Concept of a Demon- On it, on it.  
  
Saiyan Goth- Tits.   
  
Angel-chan2- On it, on it. 


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